Cucumber: The Fic
by Miz-KTakase
Summary: Do not adjust your iPhones. Miz-K Takase's fanfics will NOT be seen tonight. Instead, it's ME! Cucumber! Want violence, action, comedy, danger, romance (BLEH!), and all that in-between? I, Cucumber, have hijacked this fanfic, as my own. Move over, Deadpool. Watch a pro make a fanfic that's off da wall! Rated M for all those naughty bits and sailor talk.
1. Chapter 1

On a dark and stormy night, in which it is the most clichéd opening in all stories… _Do-over_.  
Anyway, on a rainy day, at night, as the clouds grew dark… _Better_.  
On a typical rainy night, near a small apartment complex, a man with no hair, wearing his green shirt and jeans, was sleeping on the couch, faced down. As he was slumbering, in his apartment, which was clean and tidy, with two couches, a huge HDTV on the wall, over a replica fireplace, a stereo system with numerous CDs of all Canadian music, throwback sports pennants of the Montreal Expos, Vancouver Grizzlies, and other Canadian Pro teams on the wall, and empty jars of pickles in piles, all over the place, the phone rang. No answer, as the man was sleeping still. The answering machine played, as the man was still sleeping.

"Hello…" A man in a deep gravelly voice spoke on the phone, "It's me, Jerry. This is Vincent Payne, from Mr. Nevins' office, and I am happy you want me to be in a future story, but you talk to my boss abut a new fic I can be featured in. And, for the LAST TIME, YOU CANNOT DRIVE HIS LIMOS! Do you know how much they are, mate? Anyway, call me back for a meeting. Ciao."

He hung up, as another message played. A woman spoke, as she was worried, "Hello, Jerry? This is Konoka Konoe. I know that you have Setsuna here. I was wondering if she haven't called me, lately, since we were engaged. We have a wedding planned for next year, and I want to ask her about you, being you hired her as your manservant. Oh, and if you're thinking of making a pass on me, hands off! You know I'm not into you… and that Secchan said that you're better off, being you're a widow. Bye."

The man rolled over, as he snorted, "Uh, wha?"

His name was-.

 _Hey, narrator. They all know who he is. And he'll introduce himself, when he gets the chance._

 ** _Aw, let him sleep. He's so peaceful, since he came out of retirement._**

 _Try "obscurity" or "isolation". Besides, it's been decades since he was back._

Cucumber woke up, as he rubbed his eyes. He said, "Damn… Have I got a dream that was unfinished. Those guys are quirky."

His serious side said, _Good. You're awake._

His playful side said, **_Yeah, you got a ton of messages._**

Cucumber said, "I'll play them, later. Or, I can just backtrack this cold open."

 _WHAT cold open?! This is the first chapter!_

"Oh."

The phone rang, as he ignored it. He said, "Don't answer it. It's got to be either Miz-K, Bubby, or-."

The message played, "Hello? Jerry?"

Cucumber gasped, "FUCK! It's…"

 _Dave.  
 **Dave.**_

That was Cucumber's agent and producer, Dave Chimps. He worked as Cucumber's storyline producer, in the mid-90s. But when Cucumber came back, Dave wanted to write more of his adventures. Today, Mr. Chimps is Miz-K's producer, in some of his stories, and that he dreams of a new Cucumber adventure.

"Yeah, it's me, and, well… It's about your script for your new story. We like it, but it's missing something. You DO realize that this is _fan fiction._ So, I've scoured each of the fandoms, and said "Nah, too used up." Anyway, sorry again that the whole "K-On Robot" thing is your decision, but Miz-K says "NO" on it. He says that only you can write a fic with Yui, Mio, or Mugi robots… but that's against his will."

Cucumber stated, "You make _one_ Azusa Robot that malfunctions and hates humans, and suddenly, you make the author state that robot musicians are considered _cheating_."

 _That IS cheating._

"Duh."

 _Name ONE band or singer that is a robot!_

"I got none. Hard to say."

 ** _Man… I was hoping you'd guess… What about Beyonce?_**

 _Pure robot. She's too perfect._

"HAH! How about U2? They're been around since, I dunno… the 80s?"

He smiled, "Anyway, back to the "K-On!" thing… But I love malfunctions. What I want of a Mio Gynoid in her panties… when I feel like it."

He slouched in the couch, as his playful side said, **_Aw… That means "No"!_**

 _Well, what did you expect? He's not Don Juan!_

The message continues, "Anyway, the script, we'll work on it… but… I don't know. Next time, do not be like your hero, Deadpool, and write with crayon, okay? You're in your late-30s, damn it! GROW UP!"

The message ends, as Cucumber sighed, "Fine… I don't want to grow up, you know. Since that Dent guy killed my wife… I'm not into love. I don't know. Who do I love? Well, Deadpool has Death… but he's immortal…"

 _Batman has Catwoman, Superman has Lois Lane, and then there's animes…_

 ** _Take your pick!_**

The message played again, as it was Dave, again, "Hey, Jerry, guess what? The decision, it's been made! We like the idea, and we'll have your script ready. We, AHEM, unfortunately await your revisions… since you're the director, now… uh, _froynlayven,_ much?"

Cucumber said, "I love that word… Thank you, Jerry Lewis. FROYNLAYVEN~!"

He added, "What? I'm Jewish-Canadian."

 _And he celebrates Christmas, too._

 ** _That's a first – a fictional character who is Jewish._**

Dave added, "Oh, and uh, we have already added characters from two newer fandoms… _Space Dandy_ and _School Days_. We have some requests on a robot girl in the _Space Dandy_ thing, and Dandy wants to talk to you about being a bachelor. Also, you heard of a Konohara Katsura?"

Cucumber gasped, "Wait… You mean…"

He screamed, "THAT BITCH THAT RUINED THE ANIME?!"

* * *

 ** _Miz-K Takase presents:  
"Cucumber: The Fan Fic"_**

* * *

Cucumber was slouching in the couch, upset, as he was furious, "Stupid _School Days_. That bitch ruined it, killing this Ito boy, and keeping his severed head. A _Notice me Senpai_ moment, and people in anime world hate her now."

 _Not really, man. What really happened was that Ito's girl faked her pregnancy, just to stay with him, forever, but Makoto dated Konohara Katsura, leading to Sekai Saionji to kill Mak-._

 ** _DUDE! Don't spoil it!_**

 _Sorry. He's better off, I guess._

 ** _Yeah, but it lasted 14 episodes… I think._**

 _There you go. THEM Anime gave it a 1 out of 5. That was off the wall, you know._

"What about that bitch from _Mirai Nikki_?"

 _Uh, no comment… She's way worse off._

Cucumber turned the TV off and said, "Click! I'm off."

He went to the kitchen and began to pull out a jar of pickles and a box of cold pizza. He said to the 4th wall, "While I eat, narrator, introduce me."

His name is Cucumber, but his real name is Jerome "Jerry" Holowitz. He's one of 7 brothers (Oldest brother Sam, Mike, Mickey, youngest brothers Bruce and David, and half-brother, Johnny). He's called Cucumber, because he loves pickles. He started as a very nice kid, growing up in the snowy fields of Canada, and raised his childhood in Syracuse. He was married to a girl named Becky Fisher, who was later killed by Dent, a masked man who was an evil villain. Cucumber's traits are that he's brilliantly smart, classy, and very amusing, but on most occasions, he's bat-shit crazy, unlike his brothers. According to his profile, he has many heroes: Jack Klugman (the guy in "Quincy"), Curly Howard, Jerry Lewis, Deadpool, and even popular voice actor, Nolan North.

Cucumber said, "Hey! The guy is famous in _Uncharted._ "

He finished eating, as a knock on the door was made. He got up and said, "Gotta be the script."

He held up a pistol and said, "One can't be safe."

He called out, by the door, "WHO'S THERE?"

A woman called, "Uh… I got your package…"

Cucumber opened the door, as a girl in long blonde hair appeared, with a white top and short shorts, marked with the word " _Boobies_ " on it. He said to her, "Yeah, I got your _package_ , right here."

 ** _Heh… "Package"._**

He took it, as she said, "Hey, you're Jerry?"

"Yeah?"

"Hi, I'm from _Space Dandy~!_ My name is… uh…"

"Uh, of course you do."

He slammed the door, as she said, "Strange… In the Dandy World, I know, but around here… uh…"

I think that this was Honey, from Boobies.

"Oh, right. I'm not used to other worlds…" Honey said.

Back in his apartment, he pulled out the script and speed-read through it. He huffed, "Garbage… Lame… Garbage… Who wrote this, a monkey?"

He grumbled, "Shit. As I expected… _Words!_ I'm brilliantly smart, but even novels bore me. All the time… _WORDS! EVERYWHERE!_ "

 ** _Laaaaame._**

 _We should READ some. You have done a fic, before._

"Yeah, but I never read the script." He said, "I'm like Archer, who NEVER reads the dossier."

 _I guess that's why he's in AAW, now._

"And Hawley and Slater will get theirs, one day," he said, "Anyway, this script, it's interesting."

 _Then read some!_

"Fine…" Cucumber moans, as he held the script up.

He read aloud:  
" _Scene 1 – dark and stormy night in Japan…_ clichéd… _Cucumber is contracted to hunt down Konohara Katsura, for the murder of Makoto Ito, and possession of his severed head. Cucumber… blah, blah, blah…_ "

He held up his red crayon and said, "Right. I like the opener, but don't need THAT! Edit THAT! Fix THIS!"

 _Ah, crayons… Very classy…_

 ** _Why are we killing my Yandere Simulator?_**

"Who cares? We're making art here!" Cucumber finished, as he said, "And that's just Act 1. BEHOLD!"

His script was scrawled in crayon, as he made a few changes. What are those changes? Well, he didn't write the script.

 ** _Nope~. He's the star!_**

 _Hmm, not sure the reader understands this story concept._

Cucumber said to the 4th wall, "Hey, reader, watch yourself. Forget Maidens, bizarre powers, and same-sex romance. We're going _Full Tilt_ on this mother…"

He pulled the black curtain down, ending the scene.

* * *

Down below, Cucumber was walking down through the sewers, as he said, "Ew… I always hate sewers. They smell like poo gas."

 _You can take a bath, when you're done, you know._

"I kinda know that. And to be honest, is this the way to where Konohara is?"

 _Oh, yes. She never returned to her old school, and hid in obscurity. You think you can find her there? Oh, wait! She's located IN THE SCRIPT!_

Cucumber said, "EH, whatever. I peered into the locations. She's on the way there, to _East Sakura High_."

 ** _Good guess!_**

 _Well, that was the first try._

 ** _Cucumber has the skills!_**

He found a ladder and held up a blueprint to the school building. He said, "Now, since this is a _Miyazawa & May spinoff_… which it's not… it has the same dramatics as the series, with its nonsensical madness."

 _Much like you. But then again, Miz-K created the "Miyazawa & May" storyline._

 ** _He's better than Scott Cawthon~!_**

Cucumber snorted, "SHAME! Cawthon is an EXCELLENT game creator! Plus, _Five Nights at Usagi's…_ real original. Wish he didn't do _FNAF World_."

 _What happened, broken gameplay?_

"No. Glitches. I hated that."

He studied the map, carefully, and after 45 seconds, he said, "Okay… Konohara is located just on the third floor, near the roof. We start at the gym, head straight to the first homeroom, and up the stairs to the next floor, avoiding any casualties of faculty members."

He read the script, "Hmm… Better consult the thesaurus. East Sakura High was turned into a warpath of students that want to protect their queen, who is, of course, Queen Katsura, who holds the head of the norm of norms, Makoto Ito, when he-. Blah, blah, blah… Fuck _School Days_."

 _Those "THEM Anime" reviewers are salaaming you right now. Sarcasm._

 ** _Hey, you said that the anime got a 1 out of 5!_**

 _Yeah, but another one gave it a positive review. I can't say who._

Cucumber finished mapping out his plan, as he said, "Well, now that that's done… I think it's time I need to make an entrance."

He placed a small C-4 explosive module on the door, above the ladder, as he said, "I'll give you three guesses, in ten seconds, of where I'll enter. Time to go **_boom_**."

Up in the first floor bathrooms, a boy was in the stall.

 **BOOM!  
** The boy exploded into pieces, as the boys' bathroom was destroyed. A few boys in black school uniforms were shocked, as Cucumber emerged from the smoke.

Cucumber cheered, "PHEW! That's what happens when you mix C-4 with a bean burrito, extra chili~!"

He glared at the boys, who are holding rifles, "Now tell me… I'm not the only one with a little shit in their pants, now, am I?"

The boys fired at him, as Cucumber ducked out of the way. He called out, "Are you gonna protect your Yandere Princess?! I think not!"

One boy in black calls out, "Protect Queen Konohara!"

They cheered on, as Cucumber sighed, "Obsession for a freak. What a psycho. I am defriending Katsura!"

 ** _Which one?_**

Cucumber held up two zucchini-printed AK-47s and shot them down. The boys retreated, as Cucumber ran through. He called out, "First floor neutralized! Okay!"

He asked, "You know, it'd be better if this were a tower, and not a school building!"

 _All Japanese Schools are three floors tall._

"Dude, that's not enough! It's like a maze! Now, stay away from me, _Suicide Mouse!_ "

He ran to the stairway, as more boys, wearing gasmasks and helmets appeared. He cried, "SHIT! More Konohara-senpai's soldiers?"

 ** _And they are prepared!_**

He hid for cover, behind the corner. He waited, as the boys started to fire.

"WAIT!" He cried out, raising his arms up, "You may be wondering why the green shirt. Well, in case I'm too squeamish, and I puke all over myself, over the decayed corpses of you bad guys."

He pointed at one boy and said, "That guy's got the right idea, since he's wearing the brown pants."

He held up his gun and said, "Shit! 12 bullets… After that, I have to reload…"

He said to the 4th wall, as he prepared to dash off, "Start counting."

He fired at the soldiers, as he counted, "12! 11! 10!"

Two boys fell, as Cucumber kept shooting them down, preserving and counting bullets. A female voice called out, "No one takes my senpai away! Makoto is mine!"

Cucumber called out, "Hey, Yandere Bitch! I'm not gay!"

He shot at the corpse of a solider, in anger, "5! 4! Shit! Stupid! Stupid! Needed it!"

Konohara called back, as Cucumber went through, "I don't care! You can never take me alive!"

He cried, "Uh, hello! You think I want to arrest you? STUPID! I hated _School Days!_ "

Three boys stopped him, as Cucumber fired his final bullet at them, piercing into all three boys, at once. He stopped and sniffed the guns. He sighed and smiled, "This beats guaca-fumes."

Cucumber ran upwards to the second floor. Konohara, a girl in all black, with long black hair, ran upwards to the stairway to the third floor, with a blue duffel bag, lightly soaked in blood, and was running to her hiding spot.

"I can take seeing boys like you… but for someone who wants my Makoto… I'll never give in! Makoto's mine! No one else's!" She cried.

Cucumber rushes through to the second floor, as the hallway was booby-trapped. It has landmines on the floor, sentry guns on the walls, and lasers strewn about. He stopped by the doorway, where his toes were inches near the tripwire. He bent down, wobbling, flailing his arms, and stood back straight.

"This guy knows everything!" Cucumber barked.

 _Careful… You don't want to get blown up._

 ** _Lovely fireworks!_**

"I can fix that." He said, as he whistled, "HEY! NEWBS!"

He whistled, as more boys in uniforms appeared. He turned around and slapped his butt in front of them, "Come on! Fresh meat, guys! This isn't _Shimoneta,_ and this isn't rape~!"

 _Well, what is it, then?_

 ** _The boys aren't gonna fall for-._**

The boys ran after him, but they were decimated by numerous traps that they planted. He ran through the entire explosions, as he was unharmed. A huge boom happened, as he flew upward. He froze in place, upside-down, as she groaned, "Shiiiiiiiiiit. Did I leave the stove on?"

He landed on his feet, as the explosions ended. Cucumber said, as the smoke cleared, with no traps strewn about, "Idiots. Where did they get these booby traps? ACME?"

 ** _Heheh… "Booby"…_**

Cucumber reloaded, and rushed upwards to the third floor, as Konohara called out, "You think you're so slick, huh? Well, I got news for you. I am somewhere in this school, and I can be safe… with my love… I want my Makoto, all for me. You cannot have him… NO ONE CAN! I can kill him, for me… NO! I'll kill you, because you knew too much!"

Cucumber called out, as he was on the third floor, "Uh, hey, whore, do you think I am _that_ righteous? Besides, your anime sucks! Up until the end, you killed him, and that other girl who fell in love with him! Give it up!"

 _Anime girls like her are the reason why anime has become random and so confusing…_

 ** _Yeah. Gimme that old-fashioned hentai!_**

Konohara said, from the PA, "Attention, _Ranker 1_! Set your sights on that bald man… Destroy him!"

Cucumber gasped, "Bald?!"

He barked, "I'll have you know, it's shaven! And it's lightly growing, at my age… with a 3 in the beginning. I'm NOT 64."

He ran upward to the roof, as he said, "SWEET! Roof fight!"

He made it to the roof, as he was outside, in the rain, at night. A huge helicopter was on the roof, about to fly off. Cucumber said, as he hid from cover, "WHOA! This must be _Ranker 1._ Where's _Ranker 2_?"

He went in stealth, as one boy in brown hair and a green uniform was manning the turret. He called out, "MAKE A MOVE, SUCKER!"

He fired, as Cucumber started running from the gunfire. He cried, "YOU NEED A NEW LINE OF WORK!"

He was running around, as the soldier continued to fire. He ducked into some barrels and empty jerry cans, as the soldier called, "RUN AND HIDE, YOU BASTARD!"

Cucumber swiftly dodged the gunfire, and hid inside a huge banged-up locker. The soldier looked around, as the locker started to walk, sprouting feet from below. He went behind the helicopter, as Konohara shouted from the PA, "WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG? KILL THAT FREAK!"

Cucumber popped out, as he cheered, "SURPRISE!"

The boy and Cucumber aimed their guns at each other, point blank in the face. He said, "Mexican Standoff, eh?"

The boy said, "I know you won't shoot. You haven't the guts."

"Please. I have to, but you know I wouldn't, in my fanfics."

"What?"

"Never mind."

"You have no ammo left."

He clicked his gun, as Cucumber hissed, "Smoooooooooooth. You guessed, didn't you? Damn it! I _knew_ I should've reloaded at Floor 3!"

The boy aimed his gun and prepared to fire, "Well, too bad. Mine is still loade-."

 **WHACK!  
** Cucumber whacked the boy's head with his pistol, as he jeered, "Yeah, but the butt of my gun is loaded, too. So's my bowels."

A boy in a buzzcut, sitting in the pilot's seat, called, "Matsuda? What's going on?"

He turned around, as Cucumber aimed the gun at him. He said, "Fly or die, asshole! Your choice."

The boy panicked, as he agreed. Cucumber asked, "Wait. His name was Matsuda?"

He kicked Matsuda off the helicopter, as the huge copter hovered off. Cucumber held the turret, as he fired at the boys, who were firing back at him. He screamed, as he was firing, "HEY! I CAN SEE A VIEW OF SCENIC JAPAN! SO DARK AND CLOUDY, WITH A CHANCE OF-, WELL, YOU GET THE IDEA! I WAS HOPING FOR A POST-APOCOLYPTIC SETTING, BUT CAN'T MISS THE GREENERY!"

"RANKER 1?!" Konohara cried, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OH! IT'S HIM, ISN'T IT?"

Cucumber continued to fire, as he called, "LOOKS LIKE IT'S MY CALL!"

Another helicopter, one in blue, fired at the first helicopter. It blasted a huge missile at the cockpit, as Cucumber jumped off it.

 _Wait! NO!_

"Oh, hell yes!"

 _Ranker 1_ exploded, as Cucumber was falling to the school building.

 ** _HEY! WE'RE FLYING! WE'RE FLYING!_**

 _We CAN'T fly!_

Cucumber said, as cameras flashed at him, while he flew downward, "Well, one can dream, right?"

 _Dreams, yes. Delusions, no._

"Hah! I studied Physics, and flunked out."

 _That reminds me… Your Physics grade: You got an A!_

 **BZZZZT!  
** Cucumber plummeted downward, as he cried out, " **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!** "

 **ING!  
** Cucumber was hanging from a tree branch, breaking his fall. He was dangling, as he giggled.

 ** _HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAA! You know what else it is good to have?_**

Cucumber winked, "Skills~!"

He looked at the window and said, "Hmm… Third floor: _underwear, panties, senior pranks, yanderes, and pickles_. OH! Have to get in."

He nudged, as he started to rock back and forth. He sung, as he was rocking back and forward on the branch, " _Rock-a-bye Cukey, in a pickle patch~. When the bough breaks, Cucumbers we catch~._ "

He broke the branch off, and swung himself into a glass window.  
 **SMASH!  
** He went through glass, as he was severely cut through his face and body. He stood up, like he was unscathed, as he moaned, "Okay… That was heinous… and gruesome…"

He stuck his left thumb in his mouth and blow. He inflated himself into a huge balloon, and shot all the glass off of his body. All, but one, of the shards had left his body. One huge shard was in his right eye. He moaned, "What?"

He pulled it out, and his eye was normal and unscarred. He smiled and said, "I got a soft skull, unlike those _Assassination Classroom_ audition rejects."

A few of the boys in green uniforms were killed by the wayward shards that Cucumber shot out, from across the hall. He said, "I hate to be _them,_ right now. You may be thinking… " _Yes, why no high school romances?_ " Duh. I'm a widow, _and_ I'm celibate. I haven't had it with a woman, since Becky died."

Konohara said, from the PA, "I did not know that."

"HEY, EMO EAVESDROPPER! I was talking to the reader!"

"Who cares? It's tough for you to lose your loved on… Me, however, I would want to be with him, forever… and ever…"

She then buzzed a huge door open and said, "Well, fun chat together. NOW, you die! KILL THAT SICK FREAK!"

A huge muscular man in white skin, camos, and a torn black tank top, appeared, armed with a huge machine gun.

 _Whoa, daddy, look at the SIZE of that thing!_

 ** _That's what SHE said!_**

 _We want that!_

"How are we gonna get that off him?

 _Only one way to find out._

The huge man fired at Cucumber, as he ducked for cover. Konohara laughs, from afar, as she said, "Give up! You cannot take my darling Makoto away from me!"

He called out, "Uh, NEWS FLASH, Einstein! HE'S! JUST! A! HEAD!"

The man fired out a barrage of rockets, as Cucumber moved out of the way. He cried out, "Damn it! This guy is nuts!"

He then dodged a rocket and threw a pickle into his mouth. He chomped it and barked, "GRAAAAAAAAH!"

Cucumber panicked, as he cried, "Damn it!"

He ran around to the rooftop, as the huge muscle man with his rocket launcher appeared on the roof. Cucumber asked, "Huh? Another one? But he-? How did-? I don't-."

The second huge man, from earlier, appeared, as Konohara called from the speakers, "Oh, boys… Get up to the rooftop and KILL THIS ASSHOLE!"

More boys appeared, as Cucumber zips onto the top of the first muscular man. Cucumber slammed his helmet down, blinding him. He then said, taking his rocket launcher, "DUDE! WHAT IS THAT?"

He fired at the boys, as they were sent flying to the dark sky. Cucumber laughed, as the second muscular man, as he fired. He said to the big soldier, "Couldn't have happen to a nicer bunch of guys."

He dodged the rocket, as the second muscle man kept firing, as Cucumber fired with his AK-47s. The second huge guy toppled off the roof, and then fell to the ground, leaving a massive crater.

Cucumber looked down and sighed, "Phew… I could use a vacation."

 _That was quick…_

"I don't know what you want from me, but you cannot take my Makoto away…" Konohara called.

Cucumber smirked, "Yes, I can. You can join him, in Hell."

"You cannot find me. I'm in this building, where you cannot penetrate! Seems I made this _Cucumber-proof_."

"You mean like an impenetrable safe room? I think I can improvise. Third floor, right?"

 **XXXXX**

Cucumber arrived at the third floor, as he saw a huge metallic blast door. He asked, "Hmm… I'm gonna need some explosives for this bad mother."

 _Try 20 ounces._

 ** _What? D'OH, I hate the metric system! How much in American?!_**

 _Well, lemme see… carry the 4…_

Cucumber surrounded the door with tons of dynamite, as he huffed, "Nah, fuck math! Just use all of it!"

He ran for cover, as the door exploded.

 **KABOOOOOOOOOOOM!**

 ** _YEAAAAAAAAH! THAT WAS AWESOME!_**

Konohara was coughing, as she clutched Makoto's head in her bosom. Cucumber tackled her down.

 _See? Twenty ounces. That was pretty sweet, though._

Cucumber strangled Konohara, planting her by the window, as he hissed, "How's _that_ for impenetrable, you whore?"

Konohara sobbed, "No… Don't hurt me…"

 _Careful, we still need her alive._

Cucumber asked, "Exactly how _alive_ are we talking about?"

He started to punch her, as she was punched through the glass window, cracking it, hit by hit.

"And _this_ is for Makoto Ito! THIS is for that other girl, Sekai San-whatever! You ruined a perfectly good anime! You murderer! You jezebel! You failed anime-girl! You yandere!"

He continued hitting, as the glass was increasing its cracks, "And THAT was for _Akame ga Kill_ and _Berserk,_ killing off the good characters! THAT was for hurting me, as a stereotypical pervert! THAT was for the animes I hate, including Superbook! (WHO WATCHES RELIGIOUS ANIME? Oh, right. I do. Nice to learn about religion.) And THIS is for the people that died in ALL animes, via murder, not counting _Detective Conan_! And THAT'S for DBZ, for Tien! Chaotzu! Yamcha! Piccolo! And everyone else who died, but revived! THAT is for World Heroes PERFECT, for ending a perfectly good fighting game series! THAT'S for not letting _Animaniacs_ make 100 episodes! YOU GUYS WENT TO 99, BEFORE YOU CANNED IT! **BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! NOBODY! IS! EVER! HAPPY! OTHER! THAN! YOU! BUT ! EXCEPT! FOR! ANIME! NERDS! LIKE! US!** "

 **SMASH!  
** " **SHORYUKEN!** " He lands a final punch, sending himself and Konohara down the huge crater.

She cried out, "YOU CANNOT DO THIS! YOU'RE INSANE!"

He smiled, "Not as insane as _you think_ …"

 **CRASH!  
** Konohara crashes to the underground sewer, but luckily, Cucumber left a mattress there, breaking her fall. He knew that he can still torture her, rather than kill her.

* * *

Cucumber got up, as he moaned, "Oh, man…"

 ** _YAY! That was fun!_**

"Yeah, but it's okay."

 _Well, it's not like we get a do-over on this one._

"The hell we don't!"

He held up a plunger and hit the button. The entire story goes back to where it started, in a very fast pace, and with a huge counter counting up, showing how much the _do-over_ cost, from Cucumber blowing up the boys' bathroom, to killing the boys, and to beating up Konohara Katsura, in complete lunacy and harsh violence, shooting up a spree, and recreating each scene, exactly how it went.  
It concluded with Cucumber, in a drawn picture of himself, riding on a yellow bell pepper, over a rainbow.

"Now _that's_ what I'm talking about!" Cucumber got up, after the _do-over_.

His cellphone rang, as he answered it, "Peter! My main man! Did you see that? First chapter – shitload of AWESOMENESS!"

Dave cried out, on the phone, "JERRY, YOU IDIOT! IT'S DAVE!"

"Oh… It's you, Dave…"

"Are you kidding me?" He roared, as Konohara was being dragged away by two girls in white tops and short shorts, "Do you know how much all those graphics, tacky words, and explosions cost? This is NOT Borderlands, you know! YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND AND MAKE IT _YOUR_ FIC!"

Cucumber huffed, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Dave. Talk to my dick. Call you back."

He hung up, as he noticed the girls carrying Konohara away, "HEY! Where are you A-holes going with my contract?"

 _Way to go. She got away._

"Of course she got away. Gimme some credit!"

 ** _OOH, I know! We LET her get away!_**

"Exactly! The fun is in the chase! And besides, my fan fic is NOT a one-shot!"

 _Now you're talking! Let's get her._

Cucumber ran down the tunnels, as he chases after the girls that kidnapped Konohara. Or were they assisting her on escaping? As he ran off, a man in a bacon shirt was following Cucumber, as he whispered, behind the corner.

"It's Jerry Cucumber Bacon Holowitz. My bacon boss. I wonder what he's doing. I saw bacon Boobies girls, with long blonde bacon hair. Bacon-bacon. I better help him, bacon. Needs more bacon."

As Bacon continues to follow Cucumber, Cucumber arrives at a dead end, as he said, "Huh? Great. A dead end. Where the hell are those idiotic girls with Katsura?"

Bacon asked, "Konohara Bacon Katsura? You mean the bacon girl that bacon decapitated Makoto Ito, in a _Notice Me Bacon_ moment? Bacon! Bacon! Kono-bacon must die! Bacon is love! Bacon is life! Fuck _School Days,_ eat Bacon. Bacon-bacon-bacon! All bacon needs life!"

Cucumber asked, "Huh? You?!"

 _Bacon. Why did HE show up?_

 ** _He just LOOOOOOOVES his bacon._**

 _Stupid guy… Now is not the time._

"The hell it is…" Cucumber prepares to fight, as Bacon laughs.

"Lol wut? Bacon has a dream to fight you, Cucumber Bacon." Bacon smiled.

"Really? Last time I saw you, you wasted the budget from our Christmas fic!"

"Cut me a bacon break! I wanted to bacon debut, as long as you bacon wanted your own bacon fic!"

"Yeah… Try buying a pizza with bacon crust."

"Maybe bacon later. Thanks for reminding me. Bacon-bacon, needs more bacon!"

Bacon charges at Cucumber, as Bacon grabs Cucumber in a headlock. Cucumber threw him down, as Cucumber barked, "Damn it! I didn't know you were strong."

Bacon laughed, "Strong? I am bacon strong. Bacon makes me strong. Bacon gives me life. Your days as hero are over. Cucumber is so _nineteen-bacon-nineties_ , Bacon is the _twenty-first-bacon-century's_ newest OC bacon poster boy. Bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon!"

 _Just what we need, an annoying character…_

Cucumber tackles Bacon down, as he strangled him, "Listen up, bacon-hole! I have an important contract to fulfill! Konohara must die, in a fair manner!"

Bacon griped, "Never! All evil girls that kill their bacon senpai must suffer. _School Days_ was ruined, thanks to that bacon yandere. What do you think happened to _Bacon Berserk_?"

Cucumber said, "Yes, but _everyone_ died… even Guts."

He mimicked Patrick and said, " _Everyone_ died. The end~."

Bacon replied, "Hah. Anime icons never bacon die. They just bacon away. Bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon."

Bacon kicked his stomach and freed himself. Bacon said, as he complained, "What is this blasphemy? How dare you deny me of my precious bacon? Do they not know I am the supreme ruler of the _Bacon Universe_?"

Cucumber asked, "Uh, could you contact Jimmy Dean? Because I sure don't want to!"

He glowed in a brownish aura, "Now, Cucumber Man, Bacon will be the bacon overlord, as you will be ousted. Bacon is not a bacon bad guy, but your time as bacon director is finished. Bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon!"

 **BANG!  
** Cucumber fired a shot from his AK-47 and huffed, "Do you _ever_ shut up?"

He added, as he reloaded, "And you're SO _uninvited_ to my birthday party!"

Bacon was wounded by the right knee, as he cried, "OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! THAT BACON HURTS! WHY DID YOU DO THAT, BACON?"

Cucumber barked, "Because, moron! I'm a _mutate,_ and you're not!"

 **POW!  
** Bacon struck Cucumber in the crotch, as Cucumber groaned, "AAAAUGH! Shit… Right up _3rd Street_!"

He dropped to his knees and moaned. Bacon laughs, but Cucumber shot at his leg, again.

Bacon whined, "What is this blasphemy? How dare you deny me of my precious bacon? Do they not know I am the supreme ruler of the _Bacon Universe_? Yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayaya!"

Bacon's wound recovered, as he smiled, "Didn't hurt. Bacon. Bacon. Needs more bacon."

 ** _Wait… Did THAT count?_**

Cucumber fired again, but Bacon dodged each shot. He smiled and said, "All hail thee delicious bacon! Bacon. Bacon. Needs more bacon. Fuck pickles, eat bacon!"

Cucumber roared, "INSULT MY FAVORITE FOOD, WILL YA?"

He looked at his right wrist and roared, "MOTHERFUCKER!"

His wrist was constricted with a slice of bacon. He pulled it off with his teeth, as he cried, "JEEZ! What are you, a _Snake Bacon Charmer_?"

Bacon laughs, "HAH! That's my line. Bacon says his lines, better than that!"

Bacon jumped upward, as he cried out, " ** _Bacon Beam!_** "

He fired a bright pink and red beam at the floor, as it started to crumble. The floor started to collapse, as Cucumber started to tumble down through the debris, screaming in pain. "AAAAAAAAAAAGH! DAMN YOU, BACON!"

Bacon laughs, as he said, "Hi. This is _Bacon's Fanfic_ , now, where I'll be the only bacon character. Now, that was for bacon shooting me, after I give a _faux bacon commercial_. Everyone loves bacon. Bacon is the best dish, no matter what. As it is. Whatever it takes. Bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon!"

He shrieked, "WHAT THE FUCK! AGH! BACON DID NOT KNOW THIS BACON PLAN! WAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! Oh, right. I cannot bacon fly. Oops."

He then plummeted, as he cried, "YAAAAAAAAAAH! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACON!"

Bacon fell into the abyss, possibly crashing to his death.

 **XXXXX**

Meanwhile, Cucumber was sliding down the huge tunnel, through a water slide. He was riding the sewer system, as he was cheering on.

"WHOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOO! THIS BEATS INDIANA BEACH!" Cucumber cried.

He slid all the way down, and then crashed into a steel grate.  
 **CLANG!  
** He moaned, as he was in pain, "Ouch… Didn't hurt…"

He got out and shushed the 4th wall. He saw Konohara, holding the bag of Makoto's head, as she was in the presence of a huge gorilla in a hat, white suit, a gold monocle, and dark gray fur.

Konohara bowed to the gorilla man and said, "Everything is in place, master. I obey your every whim…"

Cucumber asked, "Who's the monkey dude?"

 _Have you read Space Dandy?_

"No. But I saw a little of it."

 ** _That's Dr. Gel! He was the apeman that always fails at getting to Dandy!_**

Dr. Gel smirked, "Excellent… You have done my duties well. Any problems, whatsoever?"

Konohara growled, "Only that guy in a green shirt… and he's bald, too."

Dr. Gel replied, "So… Cucumber. He's been hounding you?"

She nodded, "Yes. I'll never give in to my senpai! Makoto's mine!"

Dr. Gel extended his hand out and said, "Give me his head. Perhaps I can revive him, as your personal slave."

She blushed, "Really?"

She gave him the head, as a blonde girl in a _Boobies_ uniform, the same white and orange top and short shorts, stabbed Konohara in the spine, as Dr. Gel laughed, "No. I mean, who'd want a yandere as a slave? You're too morbid! You're no longer needed, you filthy murderer."

Konohara collapsed and died, letting out her final breath, "My… Mako… to…"

She let out a death rattle, as the girls took the dead Konohara away, as Cucumber growled, "Bastard!"

 _Shit. There goes our contract money._

Cucumber asked, "Wait, wait, hold on… Was that even in the script? Is that how it goes?"

He read the script and growled, "Why that Alpha Bits shit-hurler! HE RUINED MY FIC! Time to have a little off-script chat with Mr. Grape Ape."

Dr. Gel laughs evilly, as he held up Makoto's head in a bag and said, "Wonderful. This boy's knowledge is all I need, just to finally wipe out Dandy, _once and for all_!"

"JESUS! It's just an 18-year old head!" Cucumber hollered, from far away.

He busted down the grate, and then hopped down, shooting his guns at the _Boobies_ girls. The girls dropped down, as their skin and limbs were tattered, showing chrome skin.

Cucumeber barked, as he went closer, ignoring the gynoids he destroyed, "LOOK! I came here to get paid, for taking down a yandere that killed her own senpai, and I don't appreciate some gorilla douche, killing my target, before I could! But since Konohara Katsura can die and go to hell, for ruining a perfectly funny anime, _now_ … I need to collect from _your_ sorry ass!"

He aimed at Gel, as he smirked, "Should I be afraid of a cute little Canadian mutate, like you?"

He grabbed Cucumber by the neck, as he cried, "What the hell! Dr. Gel doesn't have superpowers!"

Dr. Gel laughs, "NO… but I _do_ have super smarts _and_ super strength!"

 **POW!  
** Dr. Gel destroys Cucumber with one massive right hook. Cucumber's head rolled to the ground, as Dr. Gel said, on a small radio, "Bea, this is Gel. I ran into some, uh, problems… But that's okay. Cucumber is dead. Now, we shall begin the operation for our Admiral Perry. Let's go."

He and his girls walked off, as Cucumber's severed head remained on the ground, twitching a bit. He croaked, as he was still alive, "Okay… That was uncalled for."

Dr. Gel and his android groupies teleported away, as Cucumber moaned, "Man… Bacon, you still owe me a _fifty_!"

After that, his eyes closed, as he sighed, "That stupid… ape…"

He passed out, after that.

Don't worry, Cucumber is still alive. Or is he? Who will rescue him, before Dr. Gel makes his plans come to fruition? Is Cucumber right, when this fic has been ruined? Will the other characters from this chapter make its first appearance? Will we get hate mail from _School Days_ fans?  
Find out in the next chapter…


	2. Chapter 2

Cucumber was waking up, as he saw a vision of a girl in long black hair, done in a right side-ponytail. It was Setsuna, wearing her red blazer and skirt, and holding her sword up. She said, "Good. He's alright. All it needed was a couple days, before the next chapter."

"Huh? Wha-, huh? Lol wut? Setsuna?" He moaned.

Setsuna said, "It's about time you're awake."

Cucumber was whole again, as he said, "Man, that hurt. Dr. Gel is so getting my doctor's bill!"

He got up, as Setsuna said, "It's fine. Don't worry about Dr. Gel. Did you get Konohara?"

Cucumber barked, "What do _you_ think? She's dead, now!"

Setsuna huffed, "Damn… That's awful. Don't worry. I'll assist you."

Cucumber groaned, as he dropped to one knee, "Ungh… I'm fine! You're my manservant, and nothing else! Besides, I have had to sat through an earful from Dave and Bacon."

Setsuna asked, "Who's Bacon?"

Cucumber said, "Meh, you'll meet him, apparently. Plus, the fic's gone off-script! That damn dirty ape ruined my fic!"

She held his shoulder and said, "Hang in there."

Cucumber added, "Careful. I just had my body recover from being Swiss Cheese… and mulch… or whatever…"

A huge man in dark skin, wearing a black shirt and black jeans, appeared in front of Cucumber. He has black hair in a flattop and a small goatee and mustache. He growled, "You… Get up your arse and move…"

It was Vincent Payne, Steven Nevins's personal bodyguard. Cucumber asked, "Huh? Did Dave give you a starring role?"

 ** _Aussie Action!_**

"What are you even doing here, with my manservant?"

 _We'd probably know, if we read the script!_

"Come on. My arms were smashed off!"

Vincent said, "You can still move, right?"

Setsuna said, "He's still badly hurt from Dr. Gel's punch."

He snarled, "Ouch. Only _I_ can inflict pain, but that's something that this mondo gorilla has not had."

Setsuna held up a broken robot girl, minus her arms and left leg, as she blushed, "Any idea what _these_ are, Cucumber? And you said that you're not available in the romance market!"

Cucumber barked, "I'm NOT! I could give three shits about these girls!"

 _Maybe you'd know more, if you'd let Dr. Gel explain._

"Or… just read the script. Yeah, yeah, I get it." Cucumber moaned.

 _A little late for that, huh?_

He asked Setsuna, "Hey, wait a minute! You're not allowed in my fic! This isn't a _Yuki-Haruka-Verse_ spinoff!"

Setsuna said, "Well, I'm _still_ in your payroll. I can quit better jobs than this… Plus, you said it best. This "fanfic" is ruined."

Vincent asked, "You can still fight that gorilla?"

Cucumber barked, "Yeah! Lemme hear you, first. I have a feeling shit's about to go down!"

 _Whoopee…_ His serious side said, in sarcasm.

Cucumber demanded, "Now look… I have no time for your _Mammoth Burger_ bullshit. So, cut to the point, before I get bored, droning out the sound of your big gums and guns."

Vincent explained, "Okay, Dr. Gel created those girls with the hot bodies, right? Well, they were created as a small army for another. Dr. Gel only bought them from the Gogol Empire's budget, as a way to finally destroy Space Dandy. Plus, Konohara Katsura's appearance was no coincidence. He wanted to kill her, since he detested the yandere girls."

Cucumber said, "So… He's not into Goth girls? How pathetic."

 _Hard to believe that you're still single…_

He sighed, as Cucumber said, "Yeah. But I miss Becky. If that Dent douche didn't kill her, I'd be having kids!"

 _You swore off all girls, no matter who they are!_

 ** _You're not a bachelor…_**

 _Nor you are gay…_

"HEY! Cut me some slack! I'm still wanting a lady, but I'm just not ready!"

Vincent roared, "Are you even listening to me?"

 **SOCK!  
** He socked Cucumber in the face, as he added, "Like the girl said. We have to go to Dr. Gel's next spot."

Cucumber asked, rubbing his jaw, "Where, exactly?"

 _Trying reading the script, once in a while._

Cucumber asked, "If it's an island, do you need a pilot? I always wanted to drive a helicopter!"

Vincent roared, "No goddamn way!"

Setsuna cried, as she was scared, "NO! Not after that incident on a cargo plane to Prison Island! Oh, the pain… the pain…"

 _Setsuna was stumbling down the aisle, as the plane was tilting from side to side. She was screaming in fright, as she was badly hurt._

Setsuna held her head and sobbed, "Oh, the pain… No more airplanes… Oh, the horror…"

Cucumber asked, "Well, what do _you_ suggest?"

A car drove by, as a man in a blue hat and dark blue shirt was at the wheel, "Hey, Vincent. Lemme talk to him. He knows my gist."

Cucumber smiled, "Hey, Mike~!"

Vincent said, "Fine. He's all yours. Just make sure he meets us at Grayfield."

Cucumber asked, "Grayfield? As in the island? That's a part in Fouronica. We'll have to fly here."

Mike said, "Hey, bro. You want to go for a pancake tower?"

Cucumber roared out in delight, "DO I?"

He stepped in, as he said to Setsuna, "I'll see you guys in a flash! FLAPJACKS AWAY!"

They drove away, as Setsuna sighed, "How Mike sees in Jerry, I'll never know…"

Vincent said, "I'll drive. You, just watch a pro… Cucumber saved us time to get there, first."

Setsuna said, "More like Mike just saved us from _Vehicular Homicide_."

Up in the skies, Vincent was flying the huge black spaceship, called the _Payne-Craft_. Setsuna shrieked, as she grabbed onto Vincent's neck. She cried out, "LEMME OUT! AAAGH! AAAAAAAAAGH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! MISS KONOKA, SAVE ME!"

Vincent yelled, as Setsuna was stretching his face, "YOU SCAREDY-CAT! QUIT BAWLING AND COMPOSE YOURSELF!"

"HOW CAN I?"

"YOU CAN'T JUST KILL OFF _ALL_ THE CHARACTERS!"

"HUSH, YOU CANTANKEROUS AUSTRALIAN MOOCH!"

 **CRASH!  
** The Payne-Craft crashed into Grayfield. Luckily, Vincent and Setsuna survived, but the ship was totaled. Vincent moaned, "Are you done?"

Setsuna sobbed, "No."

 **XXXXX**

Cucumber and Mike were at a huge buffet, full of flapjacks and pancakes, as Cucumber said, "Aaaaahhh… I love the smell of flapjacks in the morning."

Mike said, "Indeed. Reminds you of home, doesn't it?"

Cucumber barked, "Hey! Jerry Holowitz is NOT a lumberjack, but that's okay! I sleep all night, and work all day!"

 _Just don't act like a frou-frou transvestite…_

"Yeah, but I'm butch, not gay!"

 _You're also a widower._

Mike said, "By the way, Jerry, Payne and Setsuna crashed into Grayfield, Fouronica. They are still hurt, but you can handle the situation. From what I hear, Dr. Gel is controlling a massive satellite that will launch his _Booby Army_ to each city. I'd go there, if I were you."

"You?"

"Nah. Bad memories."

"Yeah? I hope Setsuna is alright." Cucumber smiled.

 _They crashed._

"Yeah, but they crashed in Grayfield, and in Fouronica, of all-!"

He then asked, "Wait… Boobies? As in _Hooters_?"

"NO. _BooBies_ is more of an intergalactic _Hooters_. From what I read, Dr. Gel has owned an army of android women, all human, all for his army."

"Wha-dat?"

"He has no need for alien tentacles. Plus, it is _your_ fanfic."

 _He has a point._

 ** _DAMN! No tentacle robot girls?!_**

Cucumber nodded, "Yeah, you're right. So, disable these girls, and then stop Dr. Gel? What's his plan, world domination?"

Mike said, "Nope. Death to Dandy… _and then_ world domination. I'd go there, if I were you. Sources say that Gel isn't working alone."

Cucumber saluted, " _Muchos Claassen,_ big brother. I'll see you at the next fun area we go to! I'M OFF!"

He dashed off, as he headed to his huge green and yellow dragster, with a nosecone and 4x4 wheels. He drove off, heading to Grayfield, as he said, "Okay, readers! This vehicle is awesome, and it can fly, too! Luckily, I know how to drive stick!"

 _You can't fly a plane._

"Oh, yeah? Watch me!"

He pressed a button, as his hot rod transformed into a jet.

"Hey, narrator! It's a Cuke-Mobile!" He said to the 4th wall.

 ** _And none like the Homer!_**

 _But this car has an even bigger sticker price._

"Good thing it's mine, huh?" Cucumber said.

The Cuke-Mobile flew away, as he called, "YEAH-HA-HA! Cuke-Jet engaged!"

 _You don't even have a license!_

Cucumber giggled, wearing his _Dealwitit_ shades, "You don't need a license, to save the world."

The Cuke-Mobile, in Jet Form, headed to Grayfield.

He cheered, from the skies, " _Hashtag Cukemobile!_ "

* * *

Cucumber arrived at Grayfield, as he saw the totaled Payne-Craft.

 _It seems that his flight was a little more than he can handle._

 ** _OOOH! Are they dead?_**

Vincent was out cold, as Cucumber approached his body. He nudged him and said, "Ehhhhhh… I rather not, guys. This monster is cranky, when he's sleeping. Looks like we're going _solo_ , boys."

He walked through a tunnel and said, "As if this place is designed to make it like a maze."

He looked up and saw a huge statue of a man in a bald style, wearing a tuxedo. He asked, "Why do I have feelings of _déjà vu_ , all of a sudden?"

 ** _Sure does take you back. Those Big Balls were something, huh?_**

 _You can see how this island was how your race was almost extinct, by Dent… I mean, this was populated with Mallows._

A few soldiers appeared, wearing steel helmets and Kevlar vests. Cucumber attacked them, as he used his fists and super speed. He easily knocked them down, as a green guy in a yellowish green shirt and a celery stalk on his head appeared, as he saluted, "Hey, it's Jerry, man! I am Celery. Celery-celery. Celery is life, celery is rich, and celery tastes good in soup! Cucumber man, you are about to celery be celery punished. Go fight that celery, celery-celery~!"

 _Great. Another object-related OC._

 **CRASH!  
** The 4th wall fell, as Celery laughed. Cucumber picked it up and barked, "HEY! Don't drop my camera! Do you know how expensive it is? Idiot. Now get up!"

Celery roared, as he became 10-feet tall.

 _Holy shit, that guy is huge._

"Time to die, celery! Celery-celery!" Celery called.

Cucumber replied, "UH-oh. Looks like celery stick made a growth spurt! And I can tell… since I had celery with peanut butter, pickles, and raisins."

Cucumber started punching him, as Celery laughed, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Don't make me celery laugh! Celery-celery~!"

Cucumber giggled, as he continued punching, "Hey, Celery, isn't your primary means of transportation celery sticks, or spouting _celery_ , all the time?! That can't be efficient."

He tossed Celery down, as Celery cackled, "That hurt. Celery needs more celery!"

"Where are we, anyway?" Cucumber runs off.

 _We're in Grayfield._

"What is that, a timeshare? I'm pretty sure it was a timeshare for Mallows."

 _Or… the site of one of the worst massacres in Mallow-kind history._

"Yea-nope. I'm sticking with timeshare."

He escaped through the underground passageway, as Celery got up, in pain. He said, "Celery defeated? I'll have Master get more celery, celery-celery! You've won this celery time, Cucumber, but Celery will wait until the final celery chapter."

 **XXXXX**

Cucumber arrived, as he spotted a group of girls in white and orange, as he said, "Look what _Dr. Goldpaw_ has dug up."

He crept up from behind a wall, as he saw the girls lining in unison, a man in a cape and a mask appeared.

 ** _No way… Is that who I think it is?_**

 _It can't be. I thought he was dead._

Cucumber huffed, "Great. _He_ decides to show up-? Wait a minute… Now's my chance!"

 _No… just watch and see._

Cucumber watched on, as a man was in a dark magenta balaclava mask, with his eyes only showing. Cucumber asked, "Dent? No… It can't be! Isn't he dead?"

 _You said that, already! And besides, having him control robots from Dr. Gel seemed off, doesn't it?_

 ** _Yeah, unless this one is a robo-fetish._**

"Still, I cannot believe that he came back… not after what he did to Becky…"

He had a flashback, as a scene shows from in Grayfield, with Cucumber holding Becky Fisher, a girl with long brown hair and a pink shirt, and with a small female figure. Cucumber held her, as Becky was wounded from the chest.

 _"Jerry… I'm sorry… but I cannot… let you… die…" Becky coughed, as she was bleeding._

 _"Becky! Don't talk! I'll have Mike and the others save you!" He cried._

 _"It's too late… Jerry… I… love… you…"_

 _She was about to kiss him, but she let out a death rattle. Becky died, as Dent, hovering over Cucumber and his girlfriend's corpse, was laughing, "Yet another innocent victim you couldn't save. Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"_

 _Rebecca, a girl in a cyan blouse and blue jeans, wearing a pink beret, with her light brown hair done in a ponytail, caressed to Dent, as she said, "My darling Dent… Shall we exterminate this loser?"_

 _"No. Let him grieve for the fallen… You always hurt the ones you love…"_

 _Dent kisses Rebecca, as Cucumber roared, "DENT!"_

 _They vanished, as Cucumber held Becky's lifeless body, and started to cry._

 ** _XXXXX_**

 _Weeks later, Cucumber was in his chair, bored shitless._

 _"How long has it been?"_

 _Six weeks… His serious side spoke._

 _His playful side added, **And you haven't cried, since Becky died…**_

 _"Crying is illogical to me… plus I was bored. Alright?"_

 _And you stopped going to those grief classes._

 _"Yeah, it was sucky. Becky understood me, even though she'd dead."_

The flashback ended, as his serious side said, _That makes you turn off on ALL women._

"I'm no woman hater! Becky was the one true love of my life! And dating her, all the way back, was memorable! I can't find another one, like her…"

 ** _Now that's a man with honor and chivalry!_**

 _Or lack thereof. Now, shall we?_

Cucumber prepares, as the girls marched off, with the masked person disappearing. He growled, "Damn. Whoever he is… I'd like to waste him… just like how I ended him, long ago. Too bad the budget had no time to create how Becky died, or how I wasted that asshole."

 _Dave didn't have to yell at you, you know._

He called on his cellphone, as he called Dave, "Yo, Dave! How come I get that shitty flashback, and not a past story of how Becky and I first met?"

Dave replied, "Jerry, you idiot! What part of " _wasting the budget_ " do you not understand? We did salvage some of the budget for the remaining scenes of this story, as planned, not without you trying to destroy everything with your _Torgue-brand_ explosions!"

"HEY, HEY, HEY! TORGUE is my sponsor! And that beefcake Mr. Torgue understands whether or not I can use his explosions or not! Technically, he _wants_ explosions! Do I _LOOK LIKE_ Michael Bay to you? Who gives a damn about _your_ wants? This is _my_ fic, and Miz-K gets my drift!"

"Cucumber! You do not waste all of the budget! Do you know how much you did, in the first chap-?"

"Hey, listen, Dave… I did no such thing. In fact, since I returned, I made about nine million fans like me. Now, unless I tell the original author that _you're_ extorting the budget… cough it up! Click!"

He hung up, as Cucumber smirked, "Deadbeat. Now, where were we?"

 _I think you were about to tail that Dent wannabe._

"Oh, yes. Good thinking."

But as he got up, a man in black slick hair, done in a pompadour, appeared, wearing jeans and a vest, with a gray shirt.

"Who's that joker?" Cucumber asked.

The second narrator spoke, as he introduced the character.

" _Space Dandy: He's a dandy guy… in space. He combs the universes, like he combs his pompadour, on the hunt for aliens. Planet after planet, he searches, discovering bizarre new creatures, both friendly and not. These are the spectacular adventures of Space Dandy and his brave crew… in space._ "

Dandy smiled and said, "A Mutate… So, you're the famous Cucumber Holowitz."

Cucumber barked, "Who the fuck are you, Galaxy Breath?"

Dandy smiled, as he poses, "Name's Dandy, baby. I am the best bounty hunter on the galaxy! I came here to help out, since I heard much about Honey's cloning."

"Honey?!"

"Oh, you don't know her? She's actually a cute girl from _BooBies._ It's a galaxy restaurant that has all the comforts of home, and the food you eat, being served by those hotties in those bikinis."

"Wait… You know of them?"

"Believe me, baby. Dandy isn't one to judge, but catching aliens isn't easy, and eating at BooBies isn't for free, you know. I get paid off the torso, for every new alien I collect. Luckily, for you, you're worthless, seeing you're human and from Canada."

Cucumber said, "No, no, I'm different, Dandyman. See, I was born a mutate, and was given a serum from my enemies to withstand death and sickness (well, except for the common cold). And I am hunting the worlds, looking to stop that masked man in a fruity balaclava who killed my wife! Of course, he's dead now, but then there's _that_ guy!"

"You mean the one with the Honey Robots?"

"Yeah, and why are you calling them Honeys?"

"That's her name!" Dandy barked, "She happens to be an employee in BooBies, and she greets me as one of her best regular customers! Baby, you need to go with the flow, and move on, find another fly honey to caress you!"

Cucumber huffed, "Shows what you know, dingus. I'd rather detach my own dick, stuff it into my mouth, and suffocate, than to listen to dating tips from you!"

Dandy smirked, "Well, you don't know the half of these cosmos…"

They walked off, as Dandy explained, "The girls are all cute, but you start with the legs. But boobs… That's all guys think about these days. Well, they're idiots. Show me a boob man, and I'll show you a knuckle-dragger who knows _nothing_ of the fair sex."

 _What is with this guy and his hatred for breasts?_

Cucumber said, as the Honey Robots are guarding the door, "Dude. Me, I'd lay off the boobs and butts. Just the cute looks, and nothing more. Besides, Becky and I once had sex, protected, and it was great!"

 _It was your ONLY time…_

Dandy smirked, "Oh, ye of little faith… You don't get it. You can't take the measure of the ladies, just by ogling her chest. There are far more things to consider, such as-."

Cucumber fought off the robot girls, as Dandy yelled, "AW, COME ON! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?"

Cucumber called out, as he trampled down three of the Honey Robots, "Hey, pervert! Tell me more of your wisdom, when I give a damn!"

 _Forgive him. He's not used to ladies._

 ** _Yeah. A one-man army, minus romance._**

 _Why do you think he turned off women? He's not a woman hater, since he cares for his dead girl._

 ** _Oh, wah-wah-wah! He needs a new flame!_**

 _That's NOT the point!_

Cucumber opened the door, as he said to Dandy, "After you?"

Dandy said, "You didn't have to destroy those hotties…"

Cucumber mocked him, " _You didn't have to destroy those hotties… baby_. In a gutter to Del Vita, baby!"

He flips him the middle finger and groaned, "Let's get this over with."

Dandy smiled, "See if you're enlightened like I am. Then you know that the real show… is down below. I'm talking about the legs… and what comes with the legs? The booty, baby! That's where it's at!"

Cucumber huffs, as he spotted three more Honey Robots, "Damn… You like her for dat ass, do you?"

Dandy smiled, "All women are about that booty! Don't call it just an ass. It's all for the booty, baby. Not pirate booty, not swag booty, but booty booty, baby."

Three Honeys caress a bald guy with a gold bar on his head, as they caressed and fondle him. The guy was wearing a black and yellow shirt with beige slacks. He said, "Gold wants to handle his booty, baby. Gold is love, gold is life. Fuck booty, give me gold. All about the hair, gold is great, gold is ecstasy. Give me golden hair, more than golden booties. Gold-gold-gold-gold-gold~!"

The Honeys smiled, as they said in unison, "We love you, hot sexy Gold."

Cucumber growled, "Not another one! Bacon, then Celery, and now Gold?!"

He cried out, "HEY! GOLD GUY! How did you make it into casting call, without notice?"

Gold said, "Gold tells you, as I harem myself. You see, Gold has took over Miz-K's fics, for 20 seconds, while he was taking a golden dump. He should be out, by now."

Cucumber said to the 4th wall, "Seriously? He's not director, but he-. Uh, never mind."

Dandy cried, "YOU! You gold bastard! You dare create sex robots all for the booty?"

Gold said, "How dare you say that? I'm not into booty gold! Go twerk yourself, you gold pervert!"

The second narrator said, "It seems that Gold, a creature from Cucumber's world, was only obsessed with sexy girls in golden hair… namely the blonde girls, among other things he find that has gold."

Dandy said, "I see. You only care for the hair. It's all good, until you go bald! Uh, no offense, Jerry."

Cucumber smiled, "Nah. I get it, a lot. My hair is black, by the way… before I shaved it off. Jerry Holowitz is pure bald and beautiful!"

Gold said, "Girls, step gold aside. Lemme trounce this golden baldy and his gold pervert. Gold, gold, get more gold. Sell your money for gold. Gold iPhones, Gold computers, Gold cars, everyone loves gold. Wrap everything in gold! Miz-K Takase should create more gold fics! This fic is gold! The AUs are gold! The galaxy is gold! Gold-gold-gold-gold-gold!"

Dandy held his ray gun and fired at Gold. Gold blocked the shot, as he said, "Gold, gold, Dandy is not gold. Gold-gold-gold."

Dandy was taken down by a gold bat, as Dandy was on the wall, badly hurt. Cucumber fired his AK-47, as Gold deflected each bullet. Cucumber ran out, as Gold laughs, "Wah-ha ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha-ha. Gold wins, gold is great. Wrap everything in gold. Gold is love, gold is life. Who needs booties when you need golden groupies?"

He held his Honeys, as he said, "Cucumber man, I gold win. You gold lose. Gold wins all the time. Gold medals, gold plaques, gold teeth, gold babes. I am not Goldfinger. I am just plain gold. Gold-gold-gold-go-."

 **BANG!  
** Gold is struck by a bullet to the head, as the girls gasped, "NO!"

Cucumber held his gun up and barked, "Man, shut the fuck up, you douche!"

He sniffed his guns and said to the 4th wall, "Uh, yeah. I had one bullet left. _Cop out~!_ "

Dandy said, "We don't need that freaky guy."

Gold fell dead, as Dandy said, in disgust, "Ew."

Cucumber called out, "Alright, ladies, where's that A-hole, who killed my girlfriend, who sided with that B-wipe gorilla, who killed that C-bag yandere, and make me lose my contract?"

The Honeys fawn to Cucumber, as he said, "Uh, Dandy, I think they're _your_ problem."

Dandy barked, "Man, I don't know…"

He called, "Hey, Honeys! He likes your booty, but he's not gay!"

The Honey gynoids turned to Dandy and giggled to him. Dandy was in arousal, as he said, "Oh, ho, ho, ho… I like it, baby."

He cried, "WAIT! Where are _you_ going?"

Cucumber responded, "To find that douche, Dent! That D-bag will pay for killing that C-bag, who sides with that B-wipe gorilla, all for power, that A-hole! Believe you me, girl."

He said to the 4th wall, "Hey. I'm getting in an ABC rut."

He concluded, "Stand aside, or just masturbate to these cute sexy robot girls."

Dandy cried, "Were you even listening to me, about the booty?"

Cucumber ran off, "Can't hear you! Pissed to the MAX! Finding the bad guy!"

 **XXXXX**

Cucumber arrived at a huge tower and said, "Hmm… This must be Dent's tower of _We Always Win_ douche beams."

 _He does proclaim that he wins, forever… but he knows that's a crock of shit._

 ** _Yeah. He's a bad guy, and you're a good guy!_**

"Yeah, but not like in anime… It's not always gropes and grunts. Or the usual guns and ammo!"

He said, as he looked at a small control panel, "Hmm, how do you open the OS systems?"

A huge wheel came up, as it showed prizes on the wheel, including a billion dollars.

 _How convenient._

Cucumber spun the wheel and said, "We could win a _BILLION_ dollars!"

The wheel spun, and it stopped at _Magnetic Warfare_. He asked, "Magnetic warfare? That can't be good…"

The tower exploded, as debris started to float around, in a huge gust of electrical winds. Cucumber hopped onto on the debris, as he floated to the top of the tower. The wheel returned, as he said, "Alright! Enough with the tornado action! Billion dollars, let's go!"

He spun the wheel, again, as he let it spin. He punched the wheel, as it landed on… _a cow_.

"A cow?! Nice try, wheel! But there's only Beans in Grayfield!"

 ** _FAQ:_** _Beans are bipedal oval creatures, which are the Mallows' version of cattle. And they are all male._

A huge Holstein-printed oval creature appeared, floating in the tornado. Cucumber roared at the cow, "WHAT THE HELL!"

Cucumber climbed up to the tower's roof, as he saw a huge satellite. Dent appeared, shackled up tightly, and using his mind control waves on the computer. Cucumber called out, "Okay, Dent! Enough is enough! Time for you to feel the justice of your ehhhhhhh-, what the hell happened to **_you_**?!"

 _That looks very uncomfortable._

Dent hissed, "YOU!"

Cucumber held the script and bluntly said, "Me!"

Dent growled, "Cucumber. You repulsive putrid little mutate. Do you think that destroying my tower and fawning at my ladies is your business? Destroying them all will do nothing to stop me from my plan of total perfection. Nothing you do will stop my master plans-."

Cucumber asked, "Uh, curious. Curious. Are you stuck there, all tight, like shackled?"

"Uh… No! No, I'm not! That would be ridiculous!"

"OH! So you wouldn't mind if I played with THIS?"

Cucumber was dressed in his DJ attire, with a green headband on, black headphones, a puffy red jacket, and gold chains on his neck. Dent cried, "No… What are you doing? Don't you dare touch that!"

Cucumber smiled, "Oh, I don't know about you… but…"

He pressed a button, as Dent was electrocuted, screaming, "SON OF A BITCH!"

He kept pressing buttons, as Dent screamed, "DAMN IT! WHAT ARE YOU-? STOP PRESSING THAT!"

Cucumber continued, as Dent was continued to being shocked and stunned by Cucumber's playful antics. Dent was all fried up, as Cucumber stopped, saying, "OOH! Wait! What does THIS one do?"

Dent cried, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

He pressed it, as Dent was shaking and frying, as Cucumber laughed, "OOH! Dangatang!"

The tower collapses, as Dent was crushed by the debris.

* * *

Dandy returned, as Cucumber held up the body of Dent. He said, "Hey, Dandy! Here! Job done! Dr. Gel's got Dent working with him, so I took care of it for you."

 ** _Like a boss!_**

 _Huzzah._

Dandy said, "So, _he's_ Dent?"

Cucumber said, "Yeah. But it seems there's Dr. Gel to worry about. We'll end the chapter here, and get this sorted out."

Dandy unmasked Dent, pulling out his balaclava. Dent's face reveals to have long black hair and pale skin. Her eyes went black, as she hissed and buzzed.

"Cucumber… you putrrrrrid… disgusssstinnnnng… fooooooooooo…"

Her body died out, smoking from her body, as Cucumber asked, "What the wha?"

 _It's a fembot!_

 ** _NO WAY! Dent's a chick, all along?_**

 _No. Dent was always a man. But why now?_

Dandy said, "Well, whoever this girl was… she's got a nice booty… Baby, we know that this isn't Dent, because he's dead."

Cucumber said, "I kinda know that."

He added, "You know, that gynoid reminds me of Rebecca, Dent's lover. I wonder whatever happened to her… She always had a thing for mysteriously handsome evil men, and she did had a hand at killing Becky."

Dandy said, "Who?"

Cucumber huffed, "Go with it, okay? Rebecca Jones! Her nickname is _Robecca,_ since she is like an android, with a perfect body-. Whoa! Wait… Dent always wanted a perfect world, since he dislikes us Mallows and Mutates. I mean, this is my fic, and it's no secret that I'm one of the Mallows of Canada."

Dandy roared, " **WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF WITH YOUR LIFE STORY?** "

Cucumber held his head and moaned, "Goddamn, Dandy… Do you have to yell? Jesus… what crawled up _your_ ass? You need to know what happened to the Honey Robots? Maybe we can backtrack. Oh! That reminds me, two others arrived in a black ship."

Dandy said, "Swell. I had the Aloha Oe parked by that crashed wrecked. QT is tending to those two, badly hurt. You know of them? That girl in black hair and a sword… I was wondering… Wasn't she in an anime/manga with a robot, a ghost, and a vampire?"

Cucumber said, "Try not to agitate her. So, what now?"

Dandy said, "Well, as you said, shit just got real. Whoever created those Honey Robots _and_ that Dent gynoid means one thing… someone is _playing_ Dent. You said so, yourself. Dent is dead. And no one knows who he looks like. I mean, it could be Robecca, trying to avenge her lover's demise."

Cucumber said, "Yeah… I'll bet she had a hand at the Honey Boobies."

Dandy smiled, "Well, I'm gonna go take care of things here… seeing if I can recover some of those female robots. You, on the other hand, know where Dent will strike next. Any clues?"

Cucumber ponders, as he flipped through the script. He then asked, "Yeah, where, exactly?"

 _You tossed most of the pages away._

 ** _Not cool, bro!_**

 _You fucked up, didn't you?_

Cucumber said, "Nah. We'll be fine. Just send me to where Dent is located next! OH! I call dibs on the Aloha Oe!"

Dandy smiled, "Sorry. But only QT & I drive the Aloha Oe, baby. But if you want, I'll have him find the next spot to where Gel and Dent will go, next."

Cucumber cheered, "Great day, Dandy!"

"I'll contact you, when I found the next coordinates. Stay Dandy, Jerry."

"You too, Dandy~!"

They went their separate ways, as Cucumber began to look for Dent and his next move.

Will Dent arise again? Will Cucumber get move guest characters? Will his memories finally be arisen as a whole? Will he ever see Becky, again? Will Bacon, Gold, and/or Celery return, and no longer be annoying? When will the writers get paid, if Cucumber didn't blow off the budget?  
Find out in the next chapter…

* * *

 ** _DISCLAIMER:_** (Bacon): _DISCLAIMER – Some of those questions may not be bacon answered, ever. I'll never bacon change!_


	3. Chapter 3

_Things seemed okay, since Dandy came along. And with Vincent Payne and Setsuna in the mix, still injured, we are trying to enjoy this fic._

 ** _I know. But having to go through the plans made by Bubby Nougat, long ago, it's like you wouldn't even exist, if it weren't for him._**

Cucumber was riding in a small pod, as he said, "Hey, you call that a plan? I have your plans here. From what I read, Dandy told me, before the chapter started, that Gel is located in a private city in Fouronica."

 _Fouronica… ah, yes. The Mallows' version of Nazi Germany, except with more justice, heroism, and incompetence._

 ** _What's Fouronica, again?_**

"You know my brother… He was once dictator of Fouronica. Mike Hailstone… that is what is was dubbed. Me, I was Jerry Gallstone-Herring."

 _Herring?_

"I smelt bad. Plus, I was his field marshal."

As he flew off, a girl flew by, as she cried, "JEROME! LOOK OUT!"

 **CRASH!  
** Cucumber crashed into the girl, as they landed into the ground. Luckily, the mud broke their fall. Cucumber got up and moaned, "Ouch… That hurt."

 _Yeah, well, instead of daydreaming and reminiscing, try paying attention to the script and the story._

"Sorry. Bad times…" Cucumber said, as he lifted the girl up from the mud.

 _Someone get a medic for her… or a hose._

 ** _Or a satin bed to do her in._**

 _Idiot! You know she's not his type._

Cucumber arrived at a small area and placed the girl in a shower. He turned the water on and rinsed the mud off her. He said, "Well, this is good enough, since I didn't run into those jokers…"

He said to the 4th wall, "Hey, author! I'll approve more of the Honey Robots… but no more object-based characters."

He finished, as he saw her face. Her eyes were closed, and her clothes were tattered. Her long brown hair flowed down, still soaking wet, as he was blushing.

"Is that-?" He asked.

 ** _It's not true…_**

 _There's no way. Besides, she doesn't even look like Becky._

 ** _No. Her boobs are smaller than those melons._**

Cucumber nudged her and said, "Hey! Wake up… Rise and shine, baby. Hello?"

He growled, "So, that's how it is, huh?"

 _Don't strike her._

"I'm not. Relax, I can fix her."

 _She's not a robot._

"Nope. She is someone else. I better send her to a hospital."

 _How Samaritan._

 ** _That's your good deed of the chapter._**

He carried her in his back, as he said, "Of course, I cannot fight in this form… being that this girl is heavy and warm."

 ** _OOH! Touch her butt and see if it's soft._**

"No time! We have to bolt!" Cucumber bragged, "We'll do it later. I do enjoy groupies, but I don't date 'em."

 _Start getting a life, once in a while._

"Fic first, life later!"

He dashed off, as he carried the injured girl in his back. As he ran off, he saw a view of a few high school boys, dressed in beige uniforms, and the insignia of Fouronica, which is two snakes forming the number 4.

 _I see that they changed the logo. You know, it used to be a snaky S(BEEP), before the suits protested it._

 ** _Fouronica for morons… and they chose to not be like Germany circa '42._**

 _You kinda guessed, did you?_

Cucumber placed the girl down on the tattered red couch and charged at the Fouronicans. He landed swift punches to the boys, as they fell to the ground. A few more in their beige uniforms, armed with swords and daggers, attacked him. He dodged out of the way, as one boy slashed him in the chest. Cucumber landed a huge kick to the head, to one soldier. Another soldier slashed at him, but he flipped out of the way. Two boys fell, as Cucumber landed a hard right to the face. He landed a swift roundhouse to the skull of another, as more boys charged in.

"It's that Stubble bastard!"

"No, it's not! It's the Cucumber Man! Kill him!"

Cucumber said, as he was surrounded, "Well? I see that the fun is just starting. Okay, Four-ons! I'm to see why 7 8 9!"

 ** _Oh, that came out wrong._**

 _Whatever happened to 5 and 6?_

Cucumber threw down two soldiers, and dodged away from an armed swordsman. He threw him over his shoulder and tossed him into a group of boys, armed in daggers. He grabbed two lone katanas and said, "I'll take that."

 _Sweet swords._

 ** _Slice and dice time?_**

"Prepare yourself~!" He held up two swords, one in each hand, and started to slash and slice at his enemies.

He slashed at each soldier, slicing off each limb, as he cheered on, cutting up each Fouronica soldier. He finished, as a few retreated. He called out, "Oh, man! I could never get used to this! Eat your heart out, Ryan Reynolds!"

He said, "But then again, the guy is a charming young actor, who has his own hit movie."

He put the swords away, as a huge burly man in a steel-plated shirt and tin pants. He held up a huge heavy machine gun, as he fired at him. Cucumber dodged out of the way, as the huge man called, "CUCUMBER! You dare defy your own government?"

 _Oh, my god… Nice gun… We WANT IT!_

"Cucumber?! You mean Field Marshal Gallstone!" Cucumber cried out.

He tossed a pickle out and said, "Hot potato~!"

 **BOOM!  
** The pickle blew up, as it engulfed into the huge man's eyes. Cucumber grabbed this huge machine gun and called out, "HEY! CRY SOME MORE!"

He fired the huge machine gun and killed the huge burly man. He dropped to the ground, as the soldiers returned, armed in rifles and swords. Cucumber called out, "YEAH? YOU GUYS WANT SOME OF THIS? HARD TO TURN IN THIS GUN!"

He kept firing, as each of the soldiers were dead.

 ** _THIS IS BITCHIN'!_**

"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! THIS GUN IS FUCKING SWEET!"

 ** _I KNOW, RIGHT?_**

"WHAT?"

 _HE CAN'T HEAR YOU! THE GUN'S WAY TOO LOUD!_

He ran out of ammo and said, "Aw, shit. I forgot… It cost $400,000 to fire this weapon for twelve seconds."

 _Something we don't got._

Cucumber held up his jar of emergency pickles and loaded it into the heavy gun. He held up the heavy gun and fired brown bullets into each Fouronican. Cucumber cried out, "It's the pits, huh, boys?"

 _YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_

 ** _GO GET THEM, CUCUMBER MAN!_**

He stopped, as all the soldiers were laid out, battered, bloodied, and butchered by Cucumber's heavy arsenal. He dropped the heavy gun and said, "Well, that did it. Now, for that girl."

 _Crap! We forgot about her!_

 ** _Hey, Romeo. Go save your Juliet._**

He picked her up and said, "Alright, hot dame… Let's get you to that hospital."

The girl suddenly woke up, as she moaned, "Ungh… Mmngh… Where am I?"

Cucumber said, "You're in my world, now. This is Fouronica. And, oh, yeah. I crashed into you, but you're badly hurt. I'm getting you to safety."

The girl moaned, "Oh… That's nice. Thank you kindly."

The girl passed out, as Cucumber jetted off, in swift footsteps.

* * *

Cucumber arrived at a huge hospital, as he said, "Ah, I see the old _Hell's Pass_ was still standing."

 _Fouronica was a utopia, opposite the days of World War II. You know, Axis Powers, Allied Forces, and other stuff… You have seen Hetalia, to know more._

 ** _I thought it was for squee-fandom._**

 _Well, there were some facts about each country._

Cucumber placed the girl down, as he stepped inside. He opened the door and saw mannequins of girls, dressed in nurse outfits. Cucumber slammed the door and was pissed off. He went back outside, called on his cellphone, and called Dave.

"DAVE! What the fuck! You had this patched up from Windows and Google Chrome! This, I do not want! FIX THIS! NOW!"

He hung up, as the scene was erased.

* * *

 ** _Take 2!_**

* * *

Cucumber opened the door, and saw a huge waiting room, full of injured people. He carried the girl inside, as a woman in the receptionist desk appeared, in long light brown hair and glasses.

 _Comic Party's Minami Makimura? What is she doing here?_

 ** _Wasn't she a victim in the Moji Mikisa?_**

Minami bowed and said, "Hello, sir? Do you wish to have an appointment?"

Cucumber barked, "EMERGENCY! This girl is injured! And she somehow got in the way."

Maki giggled, "Certainly, sir."

Two Maki clones appeared, as they took the girl away. Minami bowed and said, "Please wait, while we check and observe her."

She walked off, as Cucumber nodded, "Good. I'm such a nice guy."

 ** _THREE Minami Makimuras? All so sexy!_**

 _And yet, it does seem odd._

"Too many clones?" Cucumber asked, "Yes… it does seem odd."

He went to the bathroom, as he said, "Uh, yeah. Lemme think about it."

He arrived inside the bathroom, as two boys in Fouronica uniforms were in the urinals. Cucumber went in one and started to pee. He said to one soldier, "Nice dick."

He turned to the 4th wall and sneered, gesturing a small dick from the soldier. The soldier replied, "Hey, man. Would you mind not doing that? So uncomfortable."

The second soldier gasped, "Hey! That's the Cucumber man! Kill him!"

The first soldier said, "Uh, not now… I'm kinda busy."

The second soldier replied, "Yeah, me, too. I knew I shouldn't have packed in that tallboy."

Cucumber added, "Yeah, I hear you. Those malts really go right through you."

"Uh, hey, do you mind?"

"Sorry. Enough with the long dick jokes. So, you in for injuries, caused by me?"

"Uh, no. Just a checkup. You?"

"Me? Eh, just an emergency body drop-off."

"You didn't bang her, did you?"

"NO! No! I'm a widow! Plus, I don't bang groupies!"

"Oh, yeah. That was ages ago. But hey, my condolences?"

"Thanks. But I don't suppose you can wish her back, right?"

"Oh, no. Dragon Balls are scarce, and it is hard to find at least one of those orange orbs."

"Ah, nuts."

"You know, they _were_ discovered, a while back."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Someone named Don just grabbed one, and then vanished. Weird, right?"

"Ouch. Wait, which Don?"

Cucumber finished, as he zipped his pants up. He washed his hands and said, "Ah, good. Can't save the world with dirty hands."

The two soldiers finished, as they zipped their pants up. Cucumber walked towards them and decapitated them. They fell to the floor, as he said, "Oh, and by the way, who shits in a urinal?"

He stepped out, as the patients revealed to be Fouronica agents. They held rifles up and aimed at Cucumber.

"Uh, hey, boys. Long time, no see!"

 _I have a feeling Fouronica knows more about you, Field Marshal Herring._

The soldiers of Fouronica fired, as Cucumber dodged out of the way. He cried out, "Where's the girl?"

The soldiers continued, as Cucumber held up his katanas. He said, "Alright, you won't answer? Fine! Let's turn stomachs!"

Cucumber fought at the soldiers, who kept firing. Cucumber was pierced heavily in the chest and waist, as he swung around, striking at the soldiers, killing them with his wild slashes. He jabbed one in the head and said, "I learned this one from _Mortal Kombat X_! Gory game, but good for next gen gamers."

He swung at them, decapitating them, and he was doused in blood. He called out, "Is that all?"

He put his swords away and held up his AK-47s. He arrived at the emergency doors and prepared to kick the doors down. He said, "Alright, readers. Get ready for some slooooooooooooooooooooo…"

The entire scene went into slow-motion, as Cucumber kicked the doors down. He fired a few shots at the soldiers, at the head, chest, waist, and legs. He ran through, in slo-mo, shooting down each soldier, running to the operating room. The scene returned to normal, as he called out, "WHERE IS SHE?"

The Makis appeared, as they asked, "Oh, sir?"

The first Maki said, "Sir, you have firearm. I request that you must leave, immediately."

"No dice, bitch!" Cucumber called out, "You girls are fishy, if you ask me! What did you do to her?"

The Makis changed into black uniforms, similar to their Comic Party uniforms, with silver headsets and black jackets and skirts. They glowed in a bright red aura, as Cucumber said, "Holy shit."

 _Aliens, I bet?_

 ** _I've seen Comic Party's OVA… uh, the abysmal one._**

 _What's the "Amazing" one?_

 ** _Comic Party Revolution._**

 _Oh, that. That one was more harem than drama._

Cucumber fired off at the Minami Clones, as the first Minami said, "Sir, you do not understand…"

The second Minami replied, "You have to leave… This girl is one of us."

Cucumber roared, as he shot at one of the Makis, "BITE ME!"

Her head showed a huge gash on her forehead, leaking out silver fluid. She hissed, "That was uncalled for, Earthling. We have got Fouronica in our control, since you abandoned it."

Cucumber huffed, "Uh, this flashback says different."

A flashback is shown, with himself, Mike, and Lenny, their friend from long ago. Mike was dressed in a tan soldier uniform, Cucumber was in a blue military uniform and captain's hat, and Lenny was in his orange bowtie and a tuxedo. Mike was the dictator, Cucumber was his field marshal, and Lenny was Mike's minister of propaganda.

 _"My good people of Fouronica!" Mike called out, "I am very pleased by this gathering!"_

 _He saluted and cheered to a mass of people. This was Fouronica, circa 1991. Mike was their leader._

 _"Our land will be given the chance of democracy, and make our country safe from hypocrisy!"_

 _The fans cheered, when Lenny held the sign up that says "CHEER"._

 _"Our motto shall be… **Fouronica for Morons!** "_

 _Lenny held the CHEER sign up, as Mike continued, "We will have less work and more play! And every Thursday, you will receive hamburger and egg! Fouronica must expand! We must extend our neighbors a helping hand! We shall extend them TWO helping hands, and help ourselves to our neighbors!"_

 _He shook hands with Cucumber, and then to Lenny, and said, "Beblach."_

 _They shook hands with each other, saying "Beblach". Mike called out, "Furthermore…"_

 _He started shouting our mock German and Yiddish, seeing the Holowitz Brothers are Jewish-Canadian. This was a time before Bacon… and how they turned a peaceful shitty city into a land that was mock-Germany circa 1941, and made it into a utopia, minus the evil spoils of war._

 _"Ja? JA?" Mike called out._

 _They all cheered, "JA, MAN!"_

 _Lenny cheered, "Hallelujah~!"_

 ** _XXXXX_**

 _But it all went downhill, when Dent came in, and Mike proposed a "Blintz Krieg", which is his way of stopping Dent's evil plans. Cucumber disapproved the idea, since he loves Blintzes, especially with Sour Krieg. In a meeting, Mike proposes that they want peace, over war._

 _They chanted, "PEACE! PEACE! WE WANT PEACE!"_

 _A delegate said to them, "Certainly… a piece of this and a piece of that colony."_

 _Another delegate barked, "I object! Your minorities are creeping into our majorities… until you make OUR majorities minorities!"_

 ** _CONK!  
_** _Mike conked his head with a 5-iron and bellowed, "Objection overruled!"_

 _They chanted again, "Peace! WE WANT PEACE!"_

 _Mike then proposed, "What we want is a corridor, to double-cross here… as an outlet from DizzyWorld to the Bay of Window."_

 _They started to appease, as Mike, Lenny, & Cucumber fought them off. Eventually, they succeeded, but that was when…_

 ** _SMASH!  
_** _A window broke, as a million people revolted against a very incompetent dictator. Mike lost control of the country, but remained as dictator._

"Ah, yeah… Good times…" Cucumber said, "Of course, we didn't abandon it! A lot of people were pissed off by Mike's laws."

 _A regular Hitler._

 ** _BAD! It's Hilter!_**

"Who cares? I'm taking Fouronica back, and Dr. Gel and Dent is NEVER taking it as their land!"

The Makis roared in a demonic hiss, as Cucumber held his swords up. The slashes were made, as the alien girls were slashed into pieces, while a lone Minami grabbed Cucumber by the neck. Cucumber held up his gun, as Minami clasped his neck, tightly. The scene froze in place, as he said to the 4th wall, "All the people in audience, visualizing this, cover your eyes!"

 **BANG!  
** He shot at both Minami's eyes, blinding her. Cucumber zipped behind her and decapitated her.

 **SLASH!**

* * *

Cucumber held Minami's severed head and mimicked her, "Attention, all peoples… Comic Party is now closed…"

He took a selfie of himself with the head, and then said, "Oh, man! That's going into my _Instagram_ account."

He sent it, as he said, "I could get a million likes for this."

 _Actually, his highest was twelve thousand, and most were to himself._

"Aw, whatever. I'm a celebrity, now!"

His picture was sent, as a few saw the pic, and made a few replies.

(Vincent Payne): _Nice kill… for an evil woman…_

(Konoka Konoe): _First!_

(Kenji Harima): _Whoa… is that real?_

(Michael Cole): _So fake._

(Bacon): _#Bacon4Life_

(Dandy, spoken): Wait a minute… Those are aliens?

(Cucumber, spoken): Of course, yes. She kidnapped a young girl I crashed into.

(Dandy, spoken): Idiot! What if she was a rare alien? I saw her being carried away, in shackles! She's no fembot, but I know a cute _Homonopoly Alien,_ when I see one. It says that once she is coated in an unknown or familiar substance, like mud, she passes out. We have to find her. A lot of money on this hot piece of booty, babe.

(Cucumber, spoken): _Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit~!_

(Dandy has sent Cucumber a post for the alien's whereabouts)

(Cucumber): * _Cucumber_ now heading to _Outpost Gymnasium_.

* * *

Cucumber arrived at the gym, as a few soldiers of Dent, in dark red and black jumpsuits, were guarding the girl, tied in shackles. Cucumber said, "Ah, now we're talking. _Dent's trendsetters of '94_. Bad year… worst days in the world."

He cried out, "HEY! You losers! Is she the alien?"

 _Don't spoil it!_

"Hey, they have to know. Then, they'd fight with me for control of it!"

They prepared to attack, as Cucumber charged at the soldiers. He said, as he attacked them, "See? Simple logic!"

He broke the neck of two of Dent's men, followed by shooting down another one, with his AK-47, and landing two knuckle sandwiches onto the remaining soldiers. He walked forward, as the girl whispered, waking up, "Huh… This isn't the hospital…"

Cucumber said, "Nope. Still in Fouronica… and in a bad place. Excuse me."

He slashed the shackles off of her, and she collapsed into his arms. The girl whispered, "Oh… my hero…"

Cucumber said, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever, bra. Save your heroism for later. I'm not into damsels-in-distress… that is, until…"

The girl's eyes glow in a demonic red, as she kissed Cucumber's lips, absorbing his inner essence. Cucumber felt the kiss, as he passed out.

The _Dandy_ Narrator explained, "What you saw is the _Homonopoly Alien,_ in action. If under arousal by a very handsome or homely man, or in this case, a bat-shit nut, like Cucumber, she kisses the victim passionately and sexually, and proceeded to get naked and have intercourse-slash-rape on the victim, absorbing his or her inner essence and abilities, only to regain her strength. We cut off the huge sexual scene, since it may disgust people and readers, who know more about the _Homonopoly_ , a rare alien from the Planet _Uhcakip_ , named after the evil Pikachu of Creepypastas."

 ** _So, in other words…_**

 _We're now in HER body!_

The girl got up, with her green blouse and pink panties on, as she giggled, "mmm… This body feels refreshed… I feel so strong…"

Cucumber was out cold, as he was breathing heavily. He coughed, "Uh… … …Did I just…?"

The Dandy narrator continued, as the girl attacked the soldiers, who regrouped and tried to stop her, "This usually kills the victim, absorbing the powers or abilities of the victim, but knowing Cucumber's endless drive of insanity, he is clinging to life, as we speak."

The girl began to take down each soldier with a barrage of kicks and punches, as the soldiers were begin mauled and destroyed.

"Ultimately, the _Homonopolies'_ defense mechanism is fighting. Once it absorbs any inner essence, normal or otherwise, it does not control the body, and goes on a mindless spree of destruction and pain."

 _Oh, boy… Now we have to deal with this one?_

 ** _Who cares? We have boobs!_**

 _That NOT our body! THAT is our body!_

Cucumber moaned, as he was gingerly getting up, "Hey… Alien babe… that I somehow had sex with… I'll save you…"

The alien girl continued to fight, as one of the soldiers called, "THAT'S ENOUGH! KILL THAT BITCH! AC-130 ATTACK! IT'S OVER!"

Cucumber moaned, "AC-what now?"

A huge barrage of missiles dove down to the gym, as it started to engulf the area. The entire outpost was destroyed, after a huge barrage of missiles from above, killing the alien girl, the soldiers, and Cucumber in the process.  
Well, _not_ Cucumber, of course.

* * *

Cucumber was all alone, in a dark room, which looks like his old apartment. He woke up and heard music on a jukebox. He asked, "Huh? Where am I? Am I dead?"

He saw a girl in a pink shirt and jeans, as she brushed her long brown hair. He gasped, "Becky?"

Becky smiled and said, "Hi, Jerry…"

"But… You're dead!"

"Big deal! Dent killed me, for the reason I cannot explain! But all will be explained in the next chapter…"

"Not soon enough… but… Oh, what the hell. May I have this dance, babe?"

They danced together, as another Cucumber appeared, searching the fridge for food. He called out, in his serious voice, "Hey! You're out of gherkin. And who ate my _queso_ _burger_?"

Cucumber asked, "So, what are you doing? You know I'm not dead."

Becky smiled, "Oh, I know that… You just died, just now… but, as always, being you're a main character, our time is growing short. I know you only think of me, darling… but I need your help. Dr. Gel and that Dent imposter is taking souls of the damned, and wanting to turn your world into hell."

"Really? So that Dent guy wasn't Dent?"

"Don't worry. All will be revealed, soon enough. And don't worry… It's not Robecca. She's already in Hell."

Becky held Cucumber's hands and said, "I know you ignore the female of the species, shunning them, only because of me, but just move on. I'm dead, and you're… well, near-death."

"You want me to save those that were obtained by Dent II and Dr. Gorilla Douche?"

"Yes."

"Anything for you, my darling little corpse girlfriend."

Becky winked, as she held Cucumber's upper half and said, "Oh, and one last thing… Pull yourself together. You're only grazed in half."

She reattached him, as they started to dance again.

 **XXXXX**

Cucumber woke up, back alive, in a field. He sat up and said, "PHEW! What a dream. I love it when a good reunion is made."

A man in a Dent uniform appeared and held up a huge flaming keg. He placed it by him and said, "HAH! We're sending you back to Hell! Give our regards to Robecca!"

 **KABOOM!  
** The keg exploded, as Cucumber was shattered into bloody pieces. Suddenly, his pieces fell into a pile, and regenerated back to his whole body. The soldier ran away, as Cucumber growled, "Okay… THAT was totally uncalled for!"

 **BANG!  
** He kills the soldier from far away, as he snarled, "I had me the best dream ever, until I woke up, and this asshole comes in and mulches me! Too bad I ain't dead. I never die! Don't ask."

He walked off, as he saw a view of Dent's tall citadel, which was black and green, with Dent's face on the top. Cucumber sighed and said, "Damn it. The guy may be dead, but he didn't have to go and engrave his ugly faceless mug in his castle! And didn't I just destroy it, a long while ago?"

He walked to the castle, as he was halted by Vincent Payne. He barked, "YOU!"

"Oh, look. The Aussie Mammoth. Hey, Vinny!"

"Where the hell have you been?"

Cucumber vanished, and then reappeared with a bicycle. "Just having fun… had a near-death experience… almost saved a girl… had sex with said girl (sort of)…"

"You're useless."

"HEY!" Cucumber barked, holding up his pickle, "At least I wanted to help you stop Dent!"

"Well, things are a lot worse off, now, since you destroyed both the hospital and offices. Think about it! It was your brother's city, before he was annexed."

"Yeah, good memories."

Cucumber zipped off, as Vincent huffed, "Whatever. Look, we need everybody on this, so we can stop Dent, in his fortress. I know you bested him, before, but you need all the help. Whatever it is you're doing, better hope it helps."

"Duh!" He returned with another pickle, as he continued, "It's _my_ fic!"

"Fic?" Vincent asked, "This is no game, you Cucumber head! You quit scratching your arse, mate, and get into the fight!"

He marched off, as Cucumber joked, "Ha, ha, ha! He said _Arsemate_!"

He takes a bite, but the pickle suddenly broke in half, falling to the floor. He was sad, but huffed, "Ah, well… Come on! End this chapter, whilst I think of a plan to foil Dent Faker and Dr. Gel Ape, before that furry black mammoth gets to them, first! I was thinking _five_ chapters long. Plus, I can't believe Becky didn't sex me… like back then! Don't want them ruining my moment of vengeance. Dent kills Konohara Katsura, he kills my girlfriend, he makes an alien rape me, and then there are those android blondes!"

Cucumber rushes off, heading to the fortress that Dent is located in. He then growls, "Cowboy up, nerd! Get ready for the 4th chapter!"

Will Cucumber gets his hands on Dent and Dr. Gel? Will the android groupies return? Will Becky find another lover in the afterlife? Can Cucumber finally obtain the abilities of becoming a fanfic superstar? Will his memories return, again? Will that alien ever return, being she is a _Homonopoly Alien_? And if so, how much is or was she worth?  
Find out in the next exciting chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

Cucumber was walking to the tunnel, as he held up his bicycle and prepared to ride off. He then revved the motors, pressing a button. Twin exhausts appear, as they appear from the back, while he rang the bell, signaling his green flag with his insignia: his face with a pickle in the background. He then placed a small pillow doll of his brother, Mike, and said, "Okay, little buddy~! I'm gonna enjoy riding off into the skies!"

He prepared, but was immovable. He then smiled, "Oh… I forgot to add fuel~!"

He opened the canister in the back and placed a dirty gum sock, a black banana peel, and his extra pickle. He revved off and said, "Okay! Countdown! 5! 4! 3! 2! Onn-!"

 **WHOOOOOOOOOOOSH!  
** "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He screamed, as the bicycle zoomed off, before he could finish the countdown.

He flew off, as he flew to the skies. He threw the Mike Pillow Doll and called, "BOMBS AWAY!"

The pillow fell, as it bounced off into a huge metallic box. It sprung out a corpse of a soldier of Dent's, showing a sign that says " _DENT'S!_ "

A huge column toppled down, landing onto an open chasm, forming a bridge. Setsuna and Vincent gasped, as the column said " _This way._ " Vincent moaned, "They don't pay me enough… But then again, I'm not even a year-out."

They went off, as Cucumber crashed near the citadel.

* * *

 ** _20 minutes ago…_**

(Vincent): Where have you been?

Cucumber disappeared, heading to a soldier, as he was scrounging in the box. He snuck behind him and stabbed him in the back with his katana. He then stuffed him inside, as he began to modify the box.

 ** _15 minutes ago…_**

Cucumber spray-painted the column, as he tilted the column forward a few centimeters. He walked off and vanished, after finishing his first pickle he was munching on.

* * *

The bike was destroyed in the crash, as he cheered, unscathed and unharmed, "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! THAT WAS AWESOME!"

 _Wasn't it rude of us to let your allies be far away from the battle?_

"Hey, even if they're on my payroll, screw them!" Cucumber barked, "Dent and Dr. Gel are mine! This is _my_ fic! _We're_ ending this!"

He rushed off, as a woman in silver hair and with blue eyes and white eyeliner, wearing a revealing silver uniform, with big breasts and a Teigu tattoo on her chest, watched on. She whispered, "Oh, this is perfect… My master brought me back from the dead, only to get back at the Night Raid jerks. I want to have Tatsumi back to life. And freezing the Cucumber Man will be easy."

 _Akame ga Kill's Esdeath (back from the dead)_

She dashed off, as Cucumber saw the platforms freezing, as he asked, "What the hell? Did Sub-Zero had an open contract?"

 _He didn't… But someone knew about you…_

Esdeath appeared, as Cucumber asked, "Huh? You mean Snow White here?"

 ** _Boner engaged!_**

 _Is she-? Fuck! She's one of the Imperial Army members, the Jaegers!_

Cucumber saluted, " _Ja wohl,_ hot tits! What are you even doing here?"

"Your fic is in need of a little harem and sexuality… Perhaps maybe we can fight… for Dent's sake. My master wishes to end you, so I can have Tatsumi's head."

"Uh… NEWS FLASH – The head of Makoto Ito is _not_ Tatsumi."

 _Read the script._

"I don't care!" She roared, "He's LIKE my Tatsumi! He broke my heart and I won't be broken, again!"

She formed an icy aura, as Cucumber said, "Dude… What are you, an ice mage?"

"Something like that. I have an Imperial Arms that can use ice powers. But I'm dead. So, it infuses into me, since I am a powerful undead goddess of ice! And death awaits you!"

She fired ice javelins, as he dodged out of the way. He cried out, "YAAAAAAH! DAMN IT ALL! THEY _ALL_ COME HERE! DID MIZ-K HIRE NEW ANIMES?"

 _He didn't use other characters, well-known._

 ** _Yeah! Where's Akame? She's awesome!_**

Cucumber ran off being chased by the ice attacks. He shrieked, "HEY, NERD! IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF FANSERVICE? Where's Admiral Akainu when you need him? I've seen _One Piece,_ where he bested Aokiji!"

 _I don't think the Marines will assist you… seeing you're a nut case and a murderer._

"HEY! I murder people, for the hell of it, and because I kill evildoers!"

Esdeath hissed, "You think you, a mass-murderer, can best me?"

"Watch it, Frosty! Cucumber isn't a man of murder! I kill, just to be for justice! Lemme tell you something, Ice Nips! I was in a computer club, during my high school days in Syracuse. I flunked out in college exams, and started to run a major in _Canada's Most Elite Technology Club_. But flunked that, too, only to be belted by electric waves of digital information. Anyway, the guy who idolizes Jack Klugman, well, I've seen _every_ episode of _Quincy_ , and NOT _The Odd Couple_! I'm a comedian, but I ain't that funny! And then, I became one with my powers, but Fouronica came along, and became Field Marshal Gallstone. But we got annexed by a million people. Then I met Becky, the love of my life, only for your master, Dent, to murder her! I swore myself into perma-celibacy, but I am fawned by beautiful women! After that, my smartness, superspeed, and strength increased, and I became the man with a combination of Klugman, Lewis, Howard, North, and Wilson! Don't believe me, look it up! And by the way, Seiyu is an awful sadist, since she's always shouting for justice, but she's a total fuckhead loser, like you! And I'm saying that, because you're labelled as _antagonistic_!"

She gasped, as Cucumber built an ice sculpture of the Fouronica symbol, as he said, flipping the bird, "Hey, Esdeath! Welcome to _my_ fic, _Akame ga K-bag_! (Damn! That came out wrong!)"

 _Nice carving skills._

"You… You bald-headed freak… What on earth is-?"

She blushed, as she went closer to him, feeling aroused. Cucumber stepped back, as she held her sword up. He asked, "Uh… … …What the fuck is she-?"

She held his hands and whispered, "What's your name? I never sensed someone with a massive skill, other than your bizarre style."

Cucumber said, "Jerry. People call me Cucumber, because-. Eh, you get the idea."

She blushed, as she kneeled down, reaching for his pants, "I think I know why… Lemme see your _cucumber_ …"

 **PUNT!  
** "HEY, BACK OFF!" He kicked her off, as her body was nudging, and her big breasts wiggling, "NO ONE SUCKS FROM DOWN THERE!"

 ** _Down where?_**

He did a D-X chop and said, "Down _THERE_!"

She kneeled up and moaned, "As you wish…"

They kissed, as Cucumber felt the passion, despite that he's a little pissed off. He thought, "Okay, seriously? This frostbite woman is trying to kill me, and now suddenly, she's into me!"

 _It's your fic. And you said that you're into Becky. But, spoiler alert, she's dead!_

 ** _Yeah! Have sex with Esdeath! It's a dream come true!_**

He moaned, as he kissed, but thought aloud, "Fuck. I don't know. Would Becky approve it?"

The scene turned white, as Esdeath was on a boat with Cucumber. She sang to him, wearing a revealing white evening gown, while Cucumber was still in his green shirt and white pants. She cuddled by him, as she French Kissed him, passionately. But then she whispered, "Your place or mine?"

He said, in romance, "Mine…"

Esdeath chuckled, "Hell, it is."

She vanished, as Cucumber was about to plummet into a waterfall.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"

The boat fell, but landed after only three feet. He sighed and groaned, "Yeah. That was a bit of a letdown. I think Esdeath was just punkin-. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh…"

He saw a huge waterfall, this time, only fifty feet tall. He griped, "Perfect."

He plummeted into his watery death, falling from the waterfall and into the jagged rocks. Esdeath giggled, as she blushed, "I didn't want to do this, but that Cucumber man was hot… Also, that was for insulting Seryu and her death. It's _Seryu_! Not _Seiyu_!"

She walked off, as she said, "It's a shame…"

Down below, Cucumber's boat was totaled into the jagged rocks, but his corpse was nowhere to be found.

"HEY! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!" He cried out, "FOLLOW MY VOICE!"

The camera turned left, as Cucumber crawled up to a small island of rocks, as he coughed, "Man! I always fall for the _Honeypot_!"

 ** _Except with NO sex!_**

 _You always do that, Casanova…_

 ** _You cannot cheat on Becky, but you ALWAYS cheat death!_**

 _He's the star of this fic! And who falls for the Honeypot?_

Cucumber squeezed his head, squirting water from his ears, as he said, "OH! That is so rich! Esdeath is SO DEAD! Uh, again."

He crawled up the wall of rocks, as Esdeath was relaxing on the top of the mountain, in a beach chair, having an orange drink. She held her glass, with a curly straw, which formed a heart, and sipped in it. She said, "Cold day in Hell, huh, Jerry?"

She blushed, "Do me, right now…"

Cucumber made it to the top, as he moaned, "Okay, you dirty c(BEEP)! NO ONE makes me fall for the Honeypot, and gets away with it!"

Esdeath blushed, as she said, "Is that what you think? I only did it for everyone's sake… and to assure peace for justice. And you came along, and you're exactly like Tatsumi. Do me, and seduce me."

Cucumber barked, "What part of celibacy do you not understand?"

 _Yet you fawn at the ladies._

"Yeah, but I don't kiss them, or go to third base! That's for Becky!"

"You make me sick! You care for your dead ex? I am designed for proper sexual functions."

"Hey, believe me, you might wanna reconsider on the _Mattie Herring_ campaign, _Mata Hardy_. Plus, I don't date fuck-bots, with big tits, savvy?"

He held up his katanas, as he roared, "Now, not to sound gay, but I have a date with a huge gorilla and a masked man, and you're in my way! That gorilla killed that yandere, took the _not-Tatsumi_ head, and Dent returns, suddenly wanting _my_ head! Now, I run into a groupie, like you, who is hot with F-cup boobs, and an icy look that can kill a guy that can suck face! Now, one side…"

Cucumber prepared, as Esdeath bowed her head in shame, as she whispered, "I'm so sorry… Master…"

She glowed in a bright icy aura, as she charged at him. Cucumber sliced through Esdeath, as he moaned, seeing Esdeath slashed in half, "Well, that was anti-climactic. Now, moving on."

Esdeath regenerated, as she formed two of her. Her long hair flowed over, covering her huge breasts, as she stepped forward. She removed her jacket, and showed her bare chest. She whispered, "Would you kill me, all for your vengeance, or for this love of my body? My heart is cold, but my body is re-!"

 **SLASH!  
** He decapitated her, and suddenly, she regenerated from her neckhole, as her tattoo blinked red, back and forth. She said, "Seriously… Deadpool's not the only one with regeneration skills. Esdeath is forever… You see, I am programmed to regenerate my body. I am invincible, as my master made me so."

Cucumber moaned, "Fuck! Did she steal my abilities?"

 _NO! She is just a copycat clone!_

 ** _Wait… Isn't Esdeath dead already?_**

"Hey, yeah!" He barked, "But how can I end this Ice Queen?"

Esdeath glowed her eyes red, as she beeped, " _Target: Jerry Holowitz… Objective: Kill…_ Such a waste of human life… no, error… Mallow life."

"You do know I am a little of both."

 _She's not listening._

Becky's ghost appeared, as she was behind Esdeath. She said, "Excuse me…"

Esdeath turned around, as Becky went through her. She winked, "Try melting her. I feel her shivering icy body within her."

 _Made of ice and snow? Figures._

"Thanks, Becky." He said, as he prepared a fire attack, "I have no fire abilities, but I know what is the perfect move."

He held up a slingshot and called, "HEY, FROSTY! Time to die!"

Esdeath cried, "MY LOVE!"

He flung upward, as a huge ball of fire was heading to the sky. It exploded, as it produced a huge sun. Cucumber wore shades and said, "Well, babe, how's _that_ for a sexy beach fun?"

Esdeath was blinded by the sunlight, but then she started to sweat. Her skin was actually melting, as her body was turning into slush.

"OH, NO! Tatsumi… I am coming… I'm melting! MELTING! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

She was melting into a pile of water, as she moaned, "Jerry… It was not my fault… He made me do it… I… love you… I… always…"

She was reduced to a puddle, as her body melted away. Her last words were…  
"Uh, narrator, I think she's not speaking, as a melted snow woman."

Esdeath's exoskeleton emerges, as she beeped, "SEDUCE ME! I LOVE YOU!"

Cucumber screamed, "KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

 **WHAM!  
** Becky's ghost whacks the robotic Esdeath exoskeleton with a mallet, as she winked, "Job done."

Esdeath was submerged into her own melted puddle, as Cucumber held his ghost wife and whispered, "My hero…"

The entire scene turned white, as Cucumber was back in his apartment, making out with Becky. They were on the couch, as Cucumber pinned Becky down, kissing her.

"Baby… You're the greatest…" He smiled.

She giggled, "See? I knew you wouldn't leave me."

"Trust me. No sex for me, at all. Only for _you_ , my babe."

Becky sat up and pouted, "Well, that may be so… But I'm dead. It's time to move on, for our sake. I mean, you were entranced by Esdeath, and I had to step in. Besides, I'm just jealous of her."

"Hey, what can I say?"

Becky whispered, as she kissed him, "I'll never forget you. Forgive me, but… I think you should see other people. It's over! We're through! Britney and Justin has a snowball's chance of getting back together, as much as us!"

Cucumber cried, "WHAT? Is it a little too late for a breakup?"

Becky turned away, but said, "It's alright. I'll always be with you… in your dreams. And I'm saying it out of kindness and love. Goodbye, Jerry… I love you…"

She vanished into thin air, as Cucumber complained, "Great! Cock-blocked in my own fic, _twice_ , already! Uh, Esdeath didn't count, since she was flirting with me."

He broke his own door down and appeared in a background of the Canadian flag, holding up his trademark weapons – twin cucumber-print machine guns. He posed, as pyrotechnics go off.

"See that, nerd? That's an " _America FUCK YEAH!_ " moment!"

* * *

Subsiding his relationship matters, our intrepid hero is now in the huge hallway of Dent and Robecca, with portraits of themselves, all over the walls.

 ** _Isn't it nice of Becky to bring you to Dent's citadel, after that intimate moment with Esdeath?_**

 _At least we made it, before that huge Herculean Mammoth made it here._

"Yeah, but now, it could be _any_ minute, now! Dent had to stall for time…" Cucumber said, "I blame Esdeath."

He griped, "OH, SHIT! I forgot to ask about Becky's demise! I forgot to ask her what happened that day!"

 _Don't worry, you got one chapter to go. Now, let's kick some ass!_

A couple of Dent's evil soldiers appeared, dressed in black uniforms, as they charged at him. One soldier cried out, "LOOK! It's the Cucumber Man! GET HIM!"

Cucumber smiled, "You guys are so _predictable!_ I like it!"

He fired at the soldiers, "BANG! BANG-BANG-BANG! BANG! BANG!"

Most of the soldiers fell dead, as he was excited, "HO, man! Becky Fisher, I think you gave me my confidence back!"

 _You're ALWAYS so confident!_

 ** _And it riles you up, doesn't it?_**

"Confident about that asshole, Dent?"

He ran down the halls, as he plowed through the soldiers, "Sorry, but dousing their ugly pics of themselves in blood, I hate to do it more, but I'm in a hurry~!"

He ran up the stairs, and hacked and slashed through more soldiers, with his katanas. He called out, "Yeah! It's cutting time!"

He said, "Dent's up in the top! Get going!"

 _Well, where is it?_

 ** _Where's what?_**

 _Your big stupid question?_

 ** _Oh. You mean… "Where are we NOW"?_**

 _We're inside Dent's newly-made citadel. We could be close to his rooftop fortress office._

 ** _Huh?_**

 _The guy usually has his final battles, atop the highest peak of citadels, castles, or burning down buildings._

 ** _Oh, right._**

Cucumber made it to floor #3, as he said, "Damn, his place is huge!"

 _He was a fan of HUGE things._

 ** _But I bet his wee-wee isn't._**

"Hello, compensation~!"

More soldiers appeared, as a couple of Esdeaths appeared, holding up ice staffs and ice wands.

 ** _Hello, ugly ice girls!_**

"I knew Dent would clone dead bimbos!"

He fired at each of the cloned soldiers, as Cucumber called out, "JUSTICE ALWAYS TRIUMPHS, AND YOU DON'T EVEN NEED AN IMPERIAL ARMS!"

Most of the Esdeaths are slashed into body parts, sporting out wires, gears, and chrome skin.

 _Damn. MORE robot clones._

 ** _I bet it has G-E-L all over it!_**

"Phrasing! But seriously, NO! MORE! GYNOIDS!"

 _Kill Dent, and you're free to do as you please!_

"Roger dodger, codger!"

He fired again, killing more soldiers, as he complained, "We _must_ be getting closer! Dent is sending us a whole mess of clones, robots or otherwise!"

 ** _At least most of them are bleeding!_**

Cucumber finished off more soldiers, as more of Esdeaths clones appeared, holding up ice swords. Cucumber sighed, as he said, "Seriously? Esdeath is icy, but it's too much!"

They surrounded him, as Cucumber vanished from the scuffle. He dashed away, as he called out, "Hey, someone call the landlord, because the pilot light's broke!"

He arrived at the top floor, as he saw a huge coliseum, with Dent's statues on the background. Dent called from the PA, "DESTROY HIM, MY MIGHTY MELONMEN!"

Four huge melonmen, with dark green skin, scarred and cut, marched by, as they started to shake the ground.

"Oh, boy! Melons! My kind of fruit!"

 ** _Yeah! Delicious and nutritious, and packed with vitamin C~!_**

 _You make our head hurt._

Cucumber dodged each Melonman, as he called, "Hey, Dent Fucker! Come on out! I ain't playing games!"

"Damn you, Cucumber! KILL HIM!" Dent cried out.

Dr. Gel appeared, as he called, "FOOL! You cannot best the superior might of the Gogol Empire!"

Cucumber started to hack through each soldier, as he called out, "Hey, Magilla! I'm busy! Fuck your Empire!"

Dr. Gel roared, "YOU! YOU DARE DEFY MY INTIMIDATION?"

He removed his labcoat and pounded his chest, roaring like a gorilla. Cucumber laughed, "OH, HO! _NOW_ WE'RE TALKING!"

More soldiers appeared, firing at Cucumber, as Gel started to run after him. Cucumber landed a swift kick to the torso, as he slashed the necks of two soldiers. Three more soldiers appeared, as he stabbed them in the chest, and then shot at their faces. Gel grabbed Cucumber by the torso, but Cucumber squeezed out and stamped his head. The huge gorilla stomped to the ground, as more Melonmen appeared.

"JESUS! I'm getting tired and my director muscles are cramping! How many more of those stupid soldiers are there?"

 ** _Just enjoy the senseless slaughtering!_**

 _YES! HA HA!_

He obliterated more soldiers, as Gel hollered, "CUCUMBER! YOU ARE AN ABOMINATION TO HUMANITY! THE GOGOL EMPIRE WILL END YOU!"

He called out more soldiers, dressed in white, orange, and blue, as they were in gasmasks and armored vests. Cucumber cried, "THERE'S MORE?! SWEET MAMMY! IT'S AN ORGY OF DESTRUCTION AND CHAOS! Man, I wish I had an extra set of arms!"

He dashed off, as the soldiers chased after him. He launched more pickles, and the soldiers slipped on them, as they fell to the floor.

 **BABOOM!  
** The pickles exploded, as Cucumber called out, "OH, YEAH! Thank you, HEI Pickles, good for the pickle lo-, oh, great! More baddies…"

Dent cried out, "DO NOT FAIL ME, ESDEATHBOTS!"

Cucumber yelled out, "NEXT FIC MIZ-K DOES, NO ROBOTS!"

Dent called, "YOU CALL THIS YOUR OWN LARP?! DESTROY THEM, MY BEAUTIES! DO NOT FAIL ME!"

The Esdeaths said, "Roger, sir. We love you, Cucumber…"

Cucumber shot at the gynoids, as he called, "HEY, STUPID! I'm NOT into her! Plus, she's not my type, being a soldier of the Imperial Ar-, MY GOD! HERE THEY COME!"

More Melonmen appeared, as a few of them are red and yellow. One Melonman flexed, as he shot fire, while the yellow Melonman shot corrosive yellow acid on the floor.

"Seriously! Did Dent buy his slaves and minions in bulk?" Cucumber asked.

He called out, "Heads up! More Melon-tubbies!"

 ** _Bing-badaboom! Be careful!_**

 _Yeah. And stay away from the yellow one. We just had that shirt cleaned._

 **BLAMMO!  
** Cucumber blasted down the Red Melonman with a flaming pickle. He called, "BOOM, BITCH!"

He cried out, as an army of red and yellow Melonmen appeared. The red ones shot fire, as he cried, "AAAAAAAGH! HOT! HOT! HOT!"

 _How many have we killed, during this chapter?_

 ** _I LOST COUNT!_**

Cucumber extinguished himself, as he cried, "KEEP THROWING THEM AT ME, DENT! I'M COMING WITH EVERYTHING YOU GOT! I'M LIKE IN KILL BILL, THE FIRST ONE, AND I'LL HACK EVERYONE IN MY WAY!"

He continued to slash and slice the soldiers, as Gel yelled, "THIS CANNOT BE!"

The Honey Groupies appeared, as they cheered on for Cucumber. Dr. Gel cried, "WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON, ANYWAY? You're supposed to be for Dandy's cheer section!"

The first Honey Robot giggled, "We don't love you, anymore, you big ape!"

The second Honey beeped, "We love Cucumber~! He's awesome~!"

They cheered in a robotic unison, "Yay! Yay! Cucumber! Yay! Yay! Cucumber!"

Dent roared, from his PA, "JUDASES! How can this be happening?"

Cucumber roared, as he was in a pile of broken Esdeath Androids, mulched Melonmen, and slaugheter Soldiers. He cried out, "Now, it's your turn, you yandere hater! And give me back that severed head!"

Gel held it up and called, "You want this?"

 ** _THAT'S THE HEAD!_**

 _Careful. It could be a trap._

Gel smirked, "You can have it. Here."

He threw the bag to Cucumber, as he held his arms out. A Honey Robot gasped, "JEROME! LOOK OUT!"

She ran out to the floor, heading to Cucumber. He prepared to make the catch, but slow-motion began, as the Honey Robot intercepted the bag, as Gel cried, in slo-mo, "NOoooooooooooooooooooooooo…"

Honey winked, as she slurred, in the slow speed motion of the scene, "Come see me… Cucumber Man… You hunnnnnnnnnk…"

 **BOOOOOOOOM!  
** The robot exploded, as Cucumber dove backwards. He gasped, as he remembered the memories, again.

 _Dent screamed, as he fired a pulse wave of black energy at Cucumber, as he roared, "ENOUGH OF THIS! CUCUMBER! YOU ARE A CESSPOOL OF DISEASE! YOU HAVE NO LIFE, AND YOU RUINED EVERYTHING, FOR I ALWAYS WIN!"_

 _Cucumber was cornered, as Dent cried, "NOW DIE!"_

 _Becky shrieked, as she ran to him, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

 _She dove in and took the bullet, taking the dark blast into her chest. Cucumber cried, as he was shocked, "BECKY!"_

His flashback ended, as the Honey Robot fell to pieces. He kneeled down and saw her destroyed head on the floor, rolling tears in her eyes, and sobbing in a compressed electronic voice, before lowering to nothing.

Cucumber growled, "So… Those Honeys… That was when-. Oh, that tears it…"

Gel gasped, "But how? My best robotic idol… obliterated by her disloyalty and insubordination!"

Cucumber held up a portal gun, as he said, "Hey, Magilla…"

 **SHOOP!  
** He fired from below his feet, as he said, "Look down."

Gel saw his feet over a huge hole, with the view of the starry sky. Gel plummeted into the abyss, as he screamed, "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! I FAILED YOU, DENT, MY MASTER!"

Cucumber kissed the Portal gun and said, "Yeah, now don't ask how I got this baby."

The portal closes, as Cucumber taunts the soldiers. The few remaining soldiers ran away in fear, as Dent was screaming, "No… NO! This is not possible! I always win against this despicable little midget of a Mallow! How is this possible?"

Cucumber called out, "Hey, Dent! One down, one to go! And that leaves YOU! Also, thank you for awakening my past, and why Becky sacrificed herself to save me! She wanted me to be happy. That's all!"

The Honeys cheered, as they chanted, "YAY! YAY! CUCUMBER! JERRY, JERRY! He's our man! If he can't do it-! Uhhhhh… What rhymes with man?"

Cucumber facepalmed himself, as Dent griped, "GAH! Useless machines!"

Cucumber said, as he spray-painted the floor, "Yeah, what are ya gonna do? Anyways… Let's do it! It's _Final Battle_ time! Then I can retire in peace, and be director of some fanfics by my good old buddy, Miz-K Takase."

Dent appeared from the balcony, as he yelled, "Cucumber… You insolent little… No matter. Attack them, my darling husbands…"

"Husbands?!" He asked.

Bacon, Gold, and Celery returned, as Gold called, "Gold, gold, time for gold! Paybacks are gold! Fuck Cucumber, eat gold! Didn't think you can kill the gold, did you? Well, lemme tell you that there'll be gold in 2016 and 2017. Gold is rich, Gold is nourishing, Gold is great! Gold-gold-gold!"

Celery called, "Celery, Celery, time for celery~! Go get some of this celery action! Dent loves his Es-celery-death robots, but they should suck on my celery. Celery wants retribution! Let's play _Celery Wars II_. Celery-celery."

Bacon concluded, "Bacon, bacon, time for bacon. Cucumber isn't bacon. Dent is bacon, yahoo! Time to die! This is the best bacon day of my bacon new life! Bacon-bacon-beacon-bacon~!"

They fired at him, as he ran off to cover. He cried out, "Gold?! BACON?! **CELERY?!** "

 ** _Hey! Didn't we kill them, or escaped from them?_**

 _Must be more of Dent's clones._

"WHATEVER! Those food-object clones are about to get PWNED! At least the new Celery smells better, though! Must be celery freshness!"

He hid behind the walls, as Bacon, Gold, and Celery fired their AK-97s at him. Cucumber called out to the 4th wall, "Hey, I need a break! Can you cut to the final chapter? Kinda stuck in a rat in a dead place!"

The Honeys cheered, as Cucumber said, "Of course, knowing these D-listers…"

He held up a huge machinegun and call, "Hey, jokers! I'm gonna blow your world to shreds!"

He held up another huge machine gun and cried, "You think Torgue set me up with some highly powerful ammunition? Pickles aren't for surprises! Pickles are for… Say it with me, kiddies. 1, 2, 3, altogether now~!"

 **KABOOOOOOOM!  
** "EXPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSIONS!"

He fired his huge twin Torgue Cannons, as it shot out highly dangerous dark green pickles, covered in broth and juice. It pierced into Gold and Celery, as Cucumber cried in a psychotic tone, "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Bacon gasped, as Gold and Celery were killed by Cucumber's PKL-88 guns, as he called them. He said, "Bacon, bacon, this sucks bacon. I wanted to be bacon overload, but he can't, until Bacon will date Bacon, and gets it on with Bacon, so Bacon can be a Bacon grandbacon, soon. And my bacon isn't fully packed, so I bacon needed a bacon operation!"

 **RATATATATATATATATAT!  
** Cucumber kills Bacon, as he said, "Try and make another Bacon commercial, AGAIN! Also, your check is in the mail. Thanks, guys."

Bacon croaked, as he coughed, "Need… more… baaaaaacon…"

He let out a death rattle and died. He held his hand up and called out, "I stand corrected."

 ** _FAQ:_** _NO original characters or anime characters were harmed in the filming of this fic._

Cucumber yelled at the 4th wall, " _NOW_ YOU SAY _THAT_?"

Dent glowed in a dark aura, as he hovered down, yelling, "Must I do **_everything_** myself?"

He was in the middle of the floor, as another Dent applauded slowly. Cucumber gasped, "What th-?"

A couple of Dent clones, wearing his magenta balaclava and his black suit and cape, were surrounding Cucumber, from above the bleachers. He asked, "Uh, which one's the real you?"

Dent called out, "DESTROY HIM!"

Cucumber cried, "NO! CUT THE SHIT! WHO ARE YOU, REALLY? And also, are you gay, making Esdeath android sex dolls, and having Bacon, Celery, and Gold as your husbands?"

 _Do the math… Dent is NOT a woman… but he is NOT gay._

 ** _WAIT! Then that means…_**

The Dents unmasked themselves, as it revealed to be a woman's head with long brown hair. Their bodies changed from male form to female form, as a woman's voice called out, "Cucumber… You ruined my love life, because of that floozy of a bitch! Now, my Dent clones will finally end you, the same way you killed my darling Dent~! KILL THAT BASTARD!"

Cucumber asked, "Wait… Do I know her from somewhere?"

 ** _WHOA! Dent IS a woman! HE is a SHE!_**

 _That's NOT Dent! That's Robecca!_

"Robecca Jones? The _same_ Rebecca Sarah Jones that once tried to flirt at me in junior high, down in Syracuse?"

It was Robecca Jones, as she said, "The same! And… SHUT UP! That was a childhood past! My hormones were acting up!"

Cucumber then said, "Yeah, I kinda figured that out, in your teenage wiles. Also, weren't you supposed to be dead, along with your psycho of a boyfriend?"

Robecca snarled, "I AM dead! But not as dead as YOU will be! Dent Clones, destroy this homewrecking asshole!"

They charged at him, as Cucumber cried, "Mommy!"

The scene froze in place, as it shifted to black and white.

Will Cucumber survive Robecca's revenge for killing Dent, the evil Mallow that killed Becky? Will Esdeath get paid, and maybe another _Akame Ga Kill_ gynoid make another appearance in a future fic? Will Bacon, Gold, and Celery get Medicare? After all, it's free. Why is Robecca alive, again? Will Dr. Gel breathe in space? And what of the head of Makoto Ito? Also, has this story lost any sense?  
Find out all the answers, except for that last question, as the final battle begins, in the conclusion of this exciting fanfic!


	5. Chapter 5

Cucumber attacked the Dent clones, who were unmasked as female Dents, portraying Robecca Jones, Dent's evil girlfriend. Cucumber slashed through the clones, but they stood up in pain, as they tried to tackle him. Cucumber, still fighting off these horrific girls, did not have a plan, but is going for his usual trademark plan – _running away_.

"HOW MANY OF YOU GIRLS ARE THERE?" He yelled.

Robecca cried, "What does that flat-chested Becky have that I don't? At least I have sexy men in gold, bacon, and celery, but now my marriage plans are ruined, thanks to you!"

Cucumber cried back, "Oh, boo-hoo! Show me a lover that can understand you, and I'll show you a broken heart!"

 **STAB!  
** He stabbed at one of the Dent clones, in the heart, and pulled it out. The hearts of the clones reveal to be rubix cubes. He yelled, "Hey, Robecca! What the wha, dude!"

"Sorry… I, uh, couldn't get a human heart. So disgusting…"

She snarled, "And what do you care? You're a widower, since you married that floozy, and you say that she's your girlfriend, and not your wife!"

"HEY! My personal life is NOT in question! My wife died to save me!"

"Oh, give me a break, Mr. _I can't have_ _sex, because my wife is dead_!"

Becky's ghost said to him, as she was fuming, "She's right, you know."

"Becky?! You said that we're through!" He griped, as he fired at the Dent girls.

Becky argued, "Well, she does have a point!"

"Whose side are you on?"

"YOURS! I know I'm dead, but she's right, for once!" Becky yelled.

Robecca called, "Don't help me, bitch! Go back to heaven, since you're so biased on sexual intercourse!"

Becky called, "Would you give me a second?"

She said to him, "Jerry… Don't shut off any sexy woman, or a homely one, just for me. Just be grateful that you wouldn't go through the trouble of trying to dig my corpse out and fuck me."

"EW! You know I wouldn't."

 _You were thinking it._

 ** _YEAH! That's disgusting!_**

Becky nodded, as she said, "Jerry, kill that bitch, avenge me, and let me rest in peace. Afterwards, you can have _any_ girl you can. You can fondle at them, too. Just don't think about me. I'll always love you, honey bee."

She vanished, as he huffed, "Screw it! I'm STILL on celibacy!"

The Honey Robots cheered on, as he said, "Of course, after I kill Robecca and her Dent stooges!"

 ** _NOW you're talking, broheim!_**

 _Let's end this!_

Cucumber laughs, "So, a little groupie action couldn't hurt. I'm famous! So what's life without Becky? I don't need her! She's dead!"

Becky said, as she reappeared, "See? Now _that's_ the guy I married! Go get her, babe!"

She vanished, as he said, "Hey, Robecca! Eat my chuggers of pickles!"

He fired his twin heavy pickle shooters, as they pierced into most of the Dent Female clones. One Dent clone jumped up and shot a pulse of energy waves at him. He dropped to the stairs, and stumbled to the floor, contorted and broken, with his neck snapped and his limbs broken.

"COME ON, BASTARD!" Robecca called out, "You know that _Deadpool_ routine is all I can think of! GET UP, YOU ASSHOLE!"

Cucumber stood up, whole and unharmed, as he said, "You know, you and Dent should find a way to end me, permanently, if you could."

"YOUR PITS STINK, MORE THAN YOUR PERSONALITY!"

"I know yours does, but what am I? (FUCK! I said it wrong, again!)"

Cucumber ran back up, as Dent Clones tackled him down. The Female Dents were being pummeled and punched, all in a huge fighting cloud. Cucumber crawled out and said, "Yep. This is so anti-climactic, folks."

He held up a large wooden crate and labeled it " _Middle of Nowhere, East Blue_ ". He delivered it and said, "I hope they can swim!"

He dusted his hands off and said, "And that's the end of _that_ chapter."

Three more Dent girls appeared, as Robecca said, "Are you done, sweetheart, with your lovely meal? Good! HERE'S SECONDS!"

Cucumber called out, "Aw, come on! Can't you come out, for real?"

He fought at the three Dents, as Robecca called out, "NEVER! I won't rest, until you die, like the hunky hellish he-man of my lovely Dent… in which you killed! Uh, saying that, because I loved him… and I blame you AND your fucking whore of a wife!"

"Seriously! What crawled up _your_ ass? Okay, bitch! GAME ON!"

 ** _Question: How many Robecca Joneses that can kill Cucumber?_**

 _Uh, a million?_

 ** _WRONG! Silly, Cucumber CAN'T die!_**

 _You make our head hurt. But I can't believe that Dent and Robecca made a mess of Fouronica, while Cucumber's brothers went their separate ways._

 ** _No survivors in Fouronica!_**

"Nobody does, champ. Nobody does." He said.

Robecca scoffed, "I like it _better_ when Esdeath raped you."

"But she _didn't_ ~!" Cucumber joked.

"Okay, maybe she didn't. NEVER resurrect an _Imperial Arms_ user, who is in love with a nerdy boy in Incursio. My bad."

"One of your _failed_ attempts! You never change, you forbidden fruit!"

He slashed off all the Dent Girls, but they all got up. He held his katanas up, but…

 **WHAM!  
** Vincent appears, as he tackles down the Dent girl. He gasped, "OY! What is this then? He's not Dent!"

Cucumber said, "Dent's dead. Robecca is honoring his memory of clones of herself, dressed as his ex-lover, killed by me, and by killing me, she avenges Dent's death… which is NEXT TO NEVER!"

 ** _EXACTLY!_**

 _No shit…_

Setsuna slashed two Dent clones in pieces, as she said, "Well, be that as it may, we got your back. Sorry we're late, though."

Vincent barked, "Yeah, because _YOU_ sent us in a long way to Dent's citadel!"

Cucumber barked, as he threw a dead Dent into the ground, "MY fic! MY rules!"

Vincent grabbed Cucumber's collar, but he vanished, leaving Robecca, in her Dent attire, blasting at Setsuna. She hollered, "ENOUGH OF THIS! I'LL TAKE ALL OF YOU SPANKERS ON! CUCUMBER! YOU ARE A ROTTEN BASTARD, WHO SWORE OFF SEX, ALL FOR A WOMAN YOU LOVED, AND DIED OUT OF SACRIFICE!"

She blasted down Vincent, as she roared, "CUCUMBER, YOU FUCKING BASTARD! COME OUT, NOW! I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU REGRET EVER KILLING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!"

She kept blasting at Vincent and Setsuna, who was fighting back at Robecca, who kept yelling out for Cucumber, "CUCUMBER! YOU ARE A REPUGNANT! REPULSIVE! USELESS WASTE OF AN ALPHA MALE! WITH **NO PLACE IN THIS WORLD! SHOW YOURSELF, YOU BASTARD!** "

Cucumber reappeared, as he was on the X, without Robecca knowing. He said to the 4th wall, "Well, readers, this is it. The final death scene. But will it be me? Or will it be someone else? But why spoil it? I gotta say, I don't know how you'd follow through, but I did it! No, _we_ did it! Thanks to you readers, you made my character come back to life, in more ways than one."

 _Nearly brings us to tears._

 ** _We should do this, more often._**

"We figured we give time to thank the readers, and add that the credit for characters from _School Days, Negima, Space Dandy,_ and _Akame Ga Kill_ are all credited to their respective owners, and not me. Old Vinny Mammoth here and my darling dead wife, and these assclowns here are all the author's OCs. I mean, we figured that we'd give you the enjoyment of seeing the final scene, after WE did all the work."

He started to shuck a bit, as Robecca roared, "There you are!"

Vincent tackled her down, as Cucumber said, "Yeah, give it time. I'll be standing here, while you wait for the dramatic end scene of my famous rise to fanfic stardom."

 _Just grab a seat and prepare yourself, as we show you our AWESOME ending scene._

 ** _HO-HO! Robecca is standing on the-!_**

"SHADDUP, stupid! Don't spoil it! Go ahead, readers. Give the old college try!"

He waited, as Vincent was thrown into the wall, destroying it. Robecca walked towards Cucumber slowly, as he said, "Whenever you're ready… What's taking so long? I mean, you can take time and read the rest of it, while you, you know, go pee, make a sandwich, or take a shower. But hey, it's into a computer game. Well, sort of… It's a fanfic. Read it, bookmark it… well, you can finish it, later."

He waited, as Robecca finally stepped on the X. Cucumber turned to the 4th wall, "Uh, somehow that is NOT in the script. Where's the back-up? Still here, FYI."

Robecca asked, "And WHO are you talking to?"

"YO MAMA!"

 **POW!  
** "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" He punched Robecca in the balls, as-.

"Yeah, she's wearing a male suit. Weird, right? Major setback, Becca." Cucumber interrupted the narrator, as he did a rap pose.

"Hey, _Don't do drugs er'ryday~!_ "

 **POOF!  
** He vanished, as Robecca's feet were stuck in the ground with Super Glue, as she cried, "WHAT THE? DAMN YOU, CUCUMBER?"

She heard a whistling sound, as she cried, "What is that?"

Cucumber was in the sky, as he called out, "SEE YOU IN HELL, AGAIN, ROBECCA! Say HI to Dent for me~!"

He called again, "Oh, and where's the head?"

Robecca called back, "In my room, under the bed!"

He called out, "OKAY! THANKS! Okay, boys! Let 'er go!"

A huge shadow grew, as she gulped, "Ohhhhhhhhhh… Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-."

 **SMASH!  
** A huge shoe appeared, flattening Robecca into bloody mulch. Robecca was dead, thus endeth the nightmare that was Dent.

Cucumber appeared, as he asked in confusion, "Uhhhhh, wait… Was that the real Robecca, or just a zombie or another clone?"

Dandy appeared, as he held his thumbs-up gesture, smiling. He smiled, "Great job, baby. Proud of you."

Cucumber asked, "So, we're done?"

Setsuna said, "Yeah. That is it. You saved the day!"

Mike appeared, in his police car, and called, "Great job, bro! You saved Fouronica, the world, and stopped the evil Dr. Gel and Dent."

Cucumber smiled, as he said, "Thanks, bro! Welp… One last thing to do. B-R-B."

He ran off to inside the citadel, as Vincent moaned, "Aw man… Who hit me with a semi?"

Dandy said, "We're good, baby. Dr. Gel is stopped, Dent is dead, and the world and universe is saved."

Vincent growled at Dandy, "Who are you?"

Cucumber returned with a bag, as the Honeys rushed toward him. They cheered on, as Dandy beckoned to the androids.

"My kind of booty… Come here, baby…" he smugly laughed, about to be salaamed by the androids.

The Honeys ran past him, as they giggled and hugged their hero – Cucumber. He called, "Hey, Setsuna! Tell them that they found Makoto's body. And tell them that Konohara Katsura killed him and that other woman. Catch!"

Setsuna caught the bag, as Dandy pouted, "HEY! NO FAIR! I HELPED, AND _HE_ SAVED THE DAY?"

Setsuna said, "It's _his_ fic. Anyway… What's in the bag?"

She opened it and saw a head of a boy with brown hair and dead skin. She shrieked, as she fainted. She was out cold, as Vincent gasped, "DAMN! Jerome, buddy, uh… Why is that a head?"

The Honey gynoids giggled and caressed Cucumber, as he replied, "Sorry, Vincent. We're out of time. Excuse me, but I have to mingle with these fembot booties…"

 ** _Oh, boooooooty time~!_**

 _Whoopee…_

Mike asked, "Hey, Jerry! You have time for a Shamrock Shake at a TGI Friday's, here in Fouronica?"

Cucumber said, "Can't, sorry. Have to celebrate. Maybe later?"

"Sure, bro. And congrats."

Cucumber left with the Honey Robots, as Dandy moaned, but asked, "Hey, wait a minute? How did Dent and Gel create those Honey Robots? Did Honey of BooBies get asked to model for them?"

Cucumber left, walking to the sunset, with his newly made pack of girlfriends.

He said to the 4th wall, "Seriously, we're done here. Roll credits!"

They walked together, as Dandy cried, "WAIT! THERE'S A LOT WE DON'T KNOW OF!"

Vincent said, "Let it go, mate. Let him enjoy this moment…"

He saw a broken Esdeath gynoid and shuddered in anger, "I need a new line of work…"

Mike then asked, "Wait… Whatever happened to that stinky gorilla?"

Meanwhile, up in space, Dr. Gel was floating in the depths of space, as he was dead, with no air in his body. Cucumber sent him to a one-way trip to death, sending him back to space. Only trouble was… he didn't send him back to his ship.

Meanwhile, Cucumber said to his groupies, "Hey, ladies, think we can rebuild Esdeath and her clones? I figure I'd give them to Bacon, Gold, and Celery, as a consolation prize, for not killing me."

The robots laughed, as they said in unison, "Oh, Cucumber… what a man…"

Cucumber laughs, "I just love being me."

The scene went dark, as it showed Cucumber and the Honey robots' silhouette, walking together, in the background of a sunset, leaving Dent's castle.

* * *

 ** _The End_**

* * *

 ** _Written, Produced, Directed, and composed by:  
Jerome "Cucumber" Holowitz_**

* * *

At his apartment, Cucumber was watching the end his fanfic on TV.

"O… M… G…" he whispered.

He cheered, as he sat up, "That! Was! **AWESOME!** "

The phone rang, as he answered it. It was Dave, again.

"Jerry~! Hah, hah, hah! My main man! You did it!" Dave was happy, as he called Cucumber, "Listen, I don't know how you did it, buddy, but we did it! The fic rocked! _YOU_ rocked, pal!"

"Pal?"

"Look, I know we had our differences, but hey, _Space Dandy_ , _Akame Ga Kill_ , and _School Days_ … You'll piss off a lot of fans, but who cares? That was pure genius! Also, I hate to admit this, but it turns out that we didn't really lost a lot of money. We weren't really over budget… I didn't tell you this, before, but I guess it was a bad time, and now the fic's over, and well, you know…"

Cucumber said in a sinister smirk, "Hey, Dave! Get your checkbook ready…"

He set off more explosions, as he said, "Thank you, Torgue, for the EXPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOSIONS!"

Dave screamed, as the pyro went off, "No! NOOOOO! YOU'RE GOING OVER BUDGET, AGAIN, DAMN IT! STOP! JUST STOP!"

It continued, as the scene went black. Cucumber said, as the scene faded to black, "Once again… I just love being me~!"

* * *

 ** _Thanks for reading!  
Also, expect a sequel from me, real soon. Acknowledged, Cucumber._**


End file.
